who are you?

Who are you?

Ever asked this question? Do you know?

I think it’s very important to work out who you are when you suffer bipolar. Not always as easy as it seem eh? Of course it’s important for anyone to work out who they are, but I think it helps more with bipolar if you know.

What I found very hard, is how many people you can be. It’s hard to find who, is really you!

I been working on this the last 6 months and I can finally say i’m happy with who I am. Yeah depression kicks in some days and I feel like I am nothing, but when I’m stable, I think I have finally worked out who I am.

This has took until now, I am 30. I think finding out I was bipolar, helped me realize, what is me and what’s not me.

When you learn your moods a bit more, you learn quickly. Before I found out I was bipolar, I didn’t have a clue to who I was. I was just a lost person, living day to day life feeling like I didn’t belong anywhere.

No one understood me, that’s a very lonely place. I felt by myself, I felt isolated.  I can even go as far to say, I felt trapped in a world where I honestly felt I didn’t belong.

How I found inner peace with myself..

• I accepted who I was. I am bipolar. I don’t have bipolar, I am bipolar. Bipolar doesn’t have me.

• I learn’t my moods, too know that they are just little parts of my illness that passes, I completely disregarded them, they are not me.

• When I’m depressed, That’s not me either, that’s my illness acting up. I’m not a person to sit and wallow in my own self pity.

• A manic is a little bit of my personality because I am generally a bubbly person. Just when I’m manic it tends to take it to another extreme.

• I learnt everything I could about my illness, so I could disregard that from the actual me.

I am everything else other than these things .

What have I found I need to work on now about myself.

• My confidence, I always have confidence issues, but only with myself, not the way I act. I’ll publicly speak, sing etc. I just haven’t got a lot of self worth. I believe this comes from my childhood trauma.

• I have to learn to be confident enough to make my own decisions, I have to have consent reassurance with every big decisions I make. I believe that’s because I have made so many bad ones, because of my illness. I don’t trust myself anymore. I’m very indecisive.

• I have to stop being so hard on myself for the things I have done. The way I perceive things sometimes, i’m too hard on myself. I have to learn that I aim really high and i’m not always going to achieve things that highly. I sometimes expect too much of myself.

I don’t think they are big things that I need to work on, they are not negative things either..

At first I thought finding out I was bipolar was the worst thing that happened to me, everything seemed to go wrong after I found out. Its was a big life change.

Six months into it, I can say, I wish I found out so much earlier. I battled for way too long on my own. I actually feel so much better within myself, the medication helps so much, when they finally got it right.

I have been quite lucky though, I know of people that has had to go through a major amount of medication to find the right one. Luckily the first medication I was put on there was a big improvement in me.

Everyone said that I was “classed normal” in my pregnancies but I was never this stable as I am now. I can’t even remember the last time I felt this stable. It’s been a long time.

I had a couple blips in the week, but I realized and got better in a couple days. I understand I might not feel like this forever and may have many relapses but I’m just enjoying this for the moment :)

I’m not actually scared of the medication and what it’s doing me anymore. I feel “classed normal” and I’d rather feel like this then go back to life I was living.

I also think this blog is helping me as well as other people. I haven’t really ever used the technique of writing, to help with things.

For once I actually know myself and feel like I'm living, not just existing.. This medication has helped me sort things in my mind instead of it being a whole mess in there : ). The last couple weeks other than two days I think I am thinking more rational about things, this reduces anxiety.

So the point in this post is to remind you, that you have to know yourself, that’s half the battle. If you don’t know yourself you don’t even know what you're battling to get back to or who to.

Maybe my ways of working out who I was, may help people that need to find themselves.

Can I remind you, if you enjoy my blog there are share buttons. Someone else might enjoy them or find them helpful. So please share if you feel my blog is worth sharing.

Keep well guys and thank you

The working life with bipolar

What jobs do I believe we would be best at?

I had this conversation with my partner the other day. I have had so many jobs. I couldn’t really hold a job down, to many moods shifting caused problems within the workplace. I have had a jobs that have lasted 2 hours- 3 years. The 3 year one,  I went off sick on a regular basis though.

What jobs do I think bipolar sufferers would be good at?

This is only my opinion. As I stated I don’t want to stay on the sick and would like to return to work someday. I thinking about what would suit me and I would stick at, through my illness. Now I have been diagnosed a lot of things make sense, which will make me more careful about my future job options.

Supporting jobs

I believe most of bipolar sufferers love to help people. I find we have a lot of patience when it comes to this. I worked in a care home and I never lost my temper, mood stayed quite stable in that line of work. I know it’s not best paid, or the most appealing job to a lot of people, but I loved the fact I was help the elderly, in the last month/years of their lives.

Counselors

I wanted to always be a counselor, I wanted to use my knowledge of my experiences to help others.  I think this would be a very rewarding job, but I don’t always listen and I’m very opinionated so I don’t think this would 100% suit me. I think certain bipolar sufferers would be very good at this.

Solicitors

I was always very interested in this line of work, I like the fact you have to research to build a case, evidence, proving things etc. I would love to go to study law, but it’s way too late for me now, with all my responsibilities. I think this would keep bipolar sufferers mind stable, because of the amount of intelligence and work this consists of.

So yes supporting jobs I would say, I would really consider a good career move for people suffering bipolar.

Creative jobs

I believe we are very creative and have a very good imagination.. Anything to do with art, writing, music, acting, poems, design. I think we really do prove ourselves in this area. I think we all have at least a skill in one of these, that I have mentioned. I also believe we love these kind of things and it keeps our mind active but positively.

So anything to do with creativeness, I would say is a very positive career for us.

Selling industry

I believe we have the gift of the gab, we could sell anything. We might not interact with people very well, but once mindset we deliver. I have been in the selling industry and always succeeded at it. You don’t have to get on a personal level with anyone, it is just literary selling a product. I always found I would find things in products that others wouldn’t. WHY? Back to imagination and being creative.

If you notice most of the jobs I have listed is jobs you are pretty much by yourself. I have never done well in jobs where, I’m under pressure from other people and a big crowed workplace.  I work better on my own where I don’t have to rely on people to deliver with me. I get very agitated if people don’t deliver and put in as much effort as I do.

I like to be the best at what I do and expect people to be like that as well. If they don’t, it could lead to confrontation and that’s where the problems begin for me.  

I also find when you work with a big workforce they arrange out of work things, pubs etc. I always use to go, this affected my mood, my abilities in work, getting too personal with work team, all not good for me.

We can hold jobs down I believe, It’s a myth to say that all bipolar sufferers can’t.  It just has to be the right job, we need to be diagnosed, and stable for a while.  

Yes of course we have a negative to an employer, We are bipolar. Having said that, I believe we become vital to a workplace because how high we aim and how hard we work to achieve. I believe we give our jobs our all. I actually believe we are not work shy, we put 110% into what we do.  

Previously I worked as a night cleaner, there were only 5 of us cleaning a building over night.

When one of these workers went on holiday and someone needed to cover their rounds, he would only let me.

Why? because I did it properly. The others would think it’s not my round I can finish early, he will catch it up when he comes back. No pride in their work or consideration for others at all. See that is a quality in us that, many people don’t have.

Do you work, if so what do you do? Would you agree in my career options, regarding bipolar? Or would you advise something else?

Love some feedback on this.. This was just my thoughts :)

A guest blog

This was fantastically written by +Luci Virgo.. I love the her interpretation of metal illness

I hope you agree :) 

My personality

Bad feed back.





I'm going to be very honest with you. your ideas of why people have this thing they label as bipolar are not because of the the month they were born. They are not because they like a certain color. People had real crap happen to them. It seems as if your here for all the wrong reasons. Almost like you are making fun of people and things they have been through. I'm going to make sure your read what I wrote then I am blocking you. I am also going to message an admin because I don't want to read your stupid blog. I don't recommend anyone else to read it.


I had this message sent to me today and I just wanted to make sure people, don't think I am trying to make fun of this illness.

That's the only part that bothered me about this message, I would never make fun of an illness like this. 

I valued this persons opinion, everyone has a right to an opinion.

I was just understanding the color purple a bit as it was my favorite color. 

I understand I will get bad feed back, but not that I'm making fun of an illness, so I just wanted to reassure people that's really not what I am doing. In-case anyone else thought that 

With that out of the way.. Lets continue..



My personality 


I class myself as a yo-yo, up, down. Sometimes I stay down longer, then others, and sometimes I'll spin out of control. 

What are my traits though?

* I am quite an all over the place person

my moods can change within hours with no explanation or control. I could be fine, laughing, joking. Next bang don't even talk to me. 

That's one of the hardest parts of this illness I find, because there is no explanation to it at all. It's just like a switch in your mind that turns on and off when ever it likes. It's not even triggered. 

They talk so much about how hard it is living., or caring for someone with bipolar, but they don't seem to know what its like for us. 

Do they think it's easy for us to be changing moods all the time?, When you can't even explain why? It's like they think we can deal with it, because it happens so often. 

Well no I'll tell you, I hate mood swings, they affect everything in your life and you can't stop it. It's like you become a different person. 

I'll give you an example.. 

I'll be speaking to my partner fine then bang, I'm losing my rag, over the silliest things. I know I'm doing it but I can't stop it. I want to but I can't.


* I dwell on things

negative things. That message today will play on mind now, for couple days. It will just round and round.. I'll try not to think about it, but I will. I can't stop it. 

The amount of times my partner has tried to get me to watch horror films is unreal. I can't because I'll dwell on it and scare myself something stupid. It's like my mind convinces it's self that gong to happen. 

* I over think 

I constantly think, I think my mind even has enough of the amount of things I think about in day. They aren't even relevant to anything.  I tried meditation and that was an epic fail, I was thinking about not thinking. I can't do it. 

If anyone has some tips on that one, I'd love to hear, it would be lovely just to be able to shut my mind up whenever I feel like it. 

* I'm bubbly

I am a very upbeat person, I have lost some of that over past couple years. (I'm a mummy now)I use to be the first in the sea, the first to do a dare, etc. I have a very, I don't care attitude to things like that. If I'm having fun I don't care what people think of me. I would dance in the street with my kids, in the rain and not care, I would encourage people :) 
People say I'm a fun person that's what they like about me. I'll try anything once :) 



* I'm very soft

I'll do anything for anyone, even if they wouldn't do it for me. I always try to help people.. I get used a lot for this, but its just my nature. I don't seem to learn from it, I just can't turn people away. 

* I'm stubborn

It takes a lot to upset me, but once you do, I wont budge. I would spite my face to spite my nose. I like to think I have very good moral and if someone don't respect my morals like I do theirs. Then I haven't got the time for them, Unless they are in need. Then I tend to forget. 

I have always tended to attract the wrong type of people because of some of my traits. I always think I can save people, but I only ever needed saving myself I suppose. 

I did save my partner, He was bad into drugs when I met him, he has completely different life now. He has to deal with me though, lol.

I sometimes think my partner is bi-polar, I have always attracted people that are like me. They have always had some type of issue. 

Can two bipolar people work? 

If I go on my relationship, Then maybe. I know my partner does have some underlining issues, but he won't act upon them. He probably understands me more then anyone else because he suffers sometimes to.

I think to be in a relationship with someone that has bipolar, you have to understand to a certain degree. My partner's mum is bipolar ( on more serious level then me ) So he does understand a lot more. 

I believe it would be a very rocky relationship (mine is ) I have always had rocky relationships, but this one seems to last, through anything that life throws at us. 

The down side is, that it is always a battle and fighting to stay together. Maybe that keeps it fresh though, we always fight to save our relationship, because we have to. This only can make it stronger, or completely drain you that you have to walk away. 

In the 7 years I have known my partner, we had to fight from day one. 

Some people may think, why the hell would you stay if its a constant battle? 

I believe we have a very good understanding of each other because of this. We know boundaries, we know how to help each other. I believe we have a relationship on a completely different then the normal relationship. We have had to fight more then the average relationship, I believe that only makes your love stronger.

The only time we go really wrong is when we are both ill at the same time. If my partner is depressed and so am I, it goes really bad. He will leave and then my depression goes worse, we are currently working on this issue though and it seem to be working. 

So I do think two people with mental health can work, but you have to be prepared to fight for it..  You both have to love each other the same amount. They say that there is always one that loves one more, I don't believe that. Not with my relationship we both love each other equally, in different ways but equally. 

That's what makes us work :) 

Do you find you have similar traits to me, or you attract people like yourself? 

Or are you in a relationship, were you both have mental health issues? 

It would be good to hear from you :) 

leaving someone when your bipolar

What if your bipolar and need to leave a relationship?


I see written, everywhere online about advice how to leave someone that suffers mental health. What about us when we need to leave someone? 

Is it really hard to leave someone with mental health issues? I suppose it is, when it's just because of there mental health, because you know it's not there fault. Maybe you just can't deal with it anymore.

But what about advice for us?

* You may be in a relationship that making your bipolar worse, but    leaving will trigger you even more.

* You may feel the other person didn't sign up for this, when you         are ill. 

* You may feel that you do not make your partner happy. 

It's always a hard decision to leave somebody without mental health issues being involved.

I believe it's very hard for us to leave a relationship. If your anything like me, this is the steps I go through when I leave someone.

* I get the I don't care attitude, it's time to leave them.

* Next comes the oh did I do the right thing?

* Then the regret, then I keep contacting them

* Then realize it can't be undone 

* Then comes the depression.

I believe it can be very hard for us to leave someone, as we change or minds so many times.. One minute we love them, next we hate them.

They always say you cant really make decisions when you are depressed, you can't make decisions when your manic, but this is where I tend to make my decisions more and it bites me on the ass..

I have seen this posted everywhere I don't think my partner is happy anymore. I think I need to leave him to set him free.

What do I think of this? 

* We nearly always tend to think negative, so it could be possible      your over thinking.

* People will not stay in a unhappy relationship for so long, it's          human instinct to leave something that's making you unhappy. It's    probably that you make them unhappy sometimes, but the good        times weighs over the bad :) 

* People that love people take on and handle a lot, if they don't they    don't love you. 

* I don't think you should leave another person because you think,      you make them unhappy. That's taking away their decisions and      you could be very wrong. 

* Unless they have actually told you, I wouldn't act upon a thought


If you read that advice and are still set on leaving your partner I would advice this

* Make sure your in a stable mind. 

* Be 100% sure not 99% 

* Speak to family and close friends before you act upon it.

* Have all support ready for when you do leave

* I would warn your care team about your plan 

Why do I advice this, because I believe we do so many hasty things being bipolar and not all things can be reversed.


I think if your 100% sure and you thought about it for few months, your more unlikely to regret it or suffer an episode..

If your're not 100%, the likeliness is your will regret it and may have an episode, if thing can't be reversed.

Leaving a relationship is just the same as grief, weather you wanted it or not, you still have to grieve. That's a major trigger for bipolar and that's why I cant stress enough that you have to be 100% sure.

I can't give you the answers of how to deal with leaving someone when your bipolar. Sometimes people may have to do it for their own health.

I would say still follow the steps and remember that if you are leaving for your own health, that you may feel better instead of being on a roller-coaster because a partner triggers bipolar. 

Which some do. My partner can trigger mine sometimes, but its not very often anymore, now I'm on medication. 

I hope this post does help and saves some of us doing irrational things. I first hand know myself, when I'm mind set, I act. I don't think of the repercussions.. That's why I wrote this post..

Keep well guys x

The colour purple

Is the colour purple linked to bipolar?

I seen this posted somewhere and I did a little research..



Someone asked bipolar sufferers if there favorite colour was purple. The majority came back as yes. This is what i found :) 

 * The colour people is a royal colour that means power and               strength           


*   It calms the mind and nerves. It offers a sense of spiritually and      offers you to be creative? 


* It says that we are a free spirit and we seek spiritual fulfillment..     Remember me mentioning six sense?  


* People that have purple as there favorite colour
   are sensitive, understanding and supportive. We are very giving      people that can often get walked over because of this. 


*  We always look for the meaning of life.. 



* We hated crowds and would rather stand alone. We get noticed        because we are different. People thrive of of our energy..


* We like to have the best of everything, so we have to aim high


*   We are good judge of character, but always seem to see the               good in everyone. 



*  We can often be seen as arrogant and that we have a                         very negative outlook on things



* We can be very selfish and all for ourselves.. As                                we don't welcome others believes or regions..



* We don't tend to follow other people, we                                            are individual and don't like it when people copy us..



* Our deepest need is, to be emotionally stable within our lives. We    also have a strong feeling to help others in need. 



What do i conclude from this? There are seriously personality of bipolar in there.. Maybe that colour best suits us, because of the traits the physiology says.. 

There has to be a link because I'm a lot like that.. 




Are you a bipolar sufferer and is any of it true with yourselves? 




Maybe there are more then just colours we have in common? 



There is nothing around to link purple to bipolar.. But I think I have proved a very strong case, that there maybe. 



My living room is purple, and I have always had a least one purple room in the houses I have lived.  I sit mostly in my bedroom, but when I'm feeling ill I lay on sofa and the purple seems to help me. 



They say that the colour purple acts as a healing agent, so maybe that's why so many of us like it.  That it hits right to heart of any mental heath issues. It helps because its such a calming colour..



I always buy purple candles and bath soaps..

You see how my web design is purple lol

I'd love some feed back on this one, I'm intrigued..

Do you find?

Do you find bipolar is everything in your life?

What I mean by this is, everyone always thinks bipolar.

* You cry. it's bipolar.

* You're in a everyday just bad mood. It's bipolar

* You're actually just happy, Oh that's a manic for sure

Does these things actually help us, in dealing with bipolar. No, they do not. I feel as thought I have to make it my life because everyone around me does.

Always watching me, spying on me. watching what time I'm on Facebook until. This drives me insane. If it drives me insane, surely it must bore the people in my life doing it. 

The way I look at it, is.. 

If I'm going to get ill, I'm going to get ill no matter how much you watch my behaviors etc.. People watching my behaviors isn't going to stop me becoming ill. If anything it's just going to drain you by trying to keep up with the everyday life i lead, surely? 

Don't get me wrong I'm not being ungrateful to the people in my life that does look out for me, I'm just stating, watching me isn't going to stop me becoming ill. 

It frustrates me that bipolar sufferers can get everything blamed on bipolar also.. I do like to think that sometimes they are just everyday things.

* We cry because things get to much in life sometimes, like every person does.

* We get in moods because of the way the day pans out sometimes, like people do.

* We have good moods, maybe because we had a good sleep. Like everyone does.

I can't stress enough that bipolar sufferers, still have the everyday moods, that anyone else does. Just because we are bipolar, doesn't mean every single little change in mood means we are becoming ill. 

We do actually function like the classed normal person too. 

I find people can use bipolar to there advantage also.

Here is what i mean. 

* You're speaking your mind, it's bipolar

* You're going off on one, it's bipolar

* You're starting an argument, it's bipolar. 

They are just to name a few, that's been said to me.

What so now we can't argue else it's our bipolar? We can't speak our minds? 

How crazy does that sound, to me the people saying that to me is crazy, not me?

I do get fed up with everything being blamed on bipolar. I think people around need to realize that we are actually and can actually have the same everyday feelings you do..

Take social services for example,

They turned up one day, I was stressed.. I was taking my children out, because I was stressed. I was having a normal bad day with my children. How many classed normal people have locked themselves in a toilet and cried because of a bad day with their children? 

OH, but I was classed as having a bipolar day? Really? 

So I have come to think that us bipolar sufferers cant have normal emotions? It's all bipolar? 

Well I'll tell you first hand, yes we do have classed normal emotions.

* if I have lack of sleep, I get grumpy.

* If my children play up all day, I get stressed

* If I feel to much stress, I will cry.

* If me and my partner has an argument and he walks out, I will be up and down.. One minute saying f him, next crying. 

These are all normal emotions and please remember we have them also and its doesn't always mean we are getting ill! 

Sometimes these everyday emotions get to much, we do become ill, but that's not all the time.

People refer to me as a drama queen, my life is like a soap, etc.

I believe this is because sometimes no we don't handle everyday emotions, if they all come at once like the classed normal person. It doesn't mean we don't handle day to day life, any different then anyone else. When it comes to emotions. It just means we can't handle what the classed normal may be able to..

I class myself as just over emotional sometimes, when things get on top of me. That's when i get ill and emotions just turn into one big explosion, that you cant control any.

That's when my moods change erratically. When I cant seem to deal with all the emotions, they just seem to go hay-wall.  

As stated before though, there is coping mechanisms to this. Avoid triggers :) 

So guys please remember when looking after a bipolar sufferer that not everything he/she does is bipolar, we are people with emotions as well.. That you do not have to spy on there everyday living :) You will notice when they get ill, if you know enough about the illness, in the first place :)  

.

Bad couple days :(

Not been good last couple days :( 

I am starting to get short tempered, impatient and just impossible. All I want to be is on my own :(
I have upped medication and I'm getting more tired because of this.



I have been out and about, been fishing with the children today. That was just bad from start to finish. Everywhere was closed so we couldn't get bait, walked somewhere else that was closed. I ended up just walking away and meeting my partner and children at the place we fish.




I walked away because I knew me and my partner would just end up arguing in the middle of the street. Well it wouldn't be him arguing it would be me shouting at him.

It does make me question..



Are we really that impossible?




I don't think we are the easiest to deal with. Nobody can do anything right when I'm "one of my ones" as people around me tend to call it. When I'm in one of these ones, its just best for everyone to leave me to it.. I need to be left to work out why the hell I'm being like it.  Most of the time I don't have the answers, but just the space normally helps me..





I don't think people understand to well that we cant control these outbursts of impatience, temper, etc.. It just comes . We don't like being like it, most of the time we can recognize it, but can't control it. When I'm in this, I can become quite controlling because of my impatience, no we aren't doing that, we are doing this, that takes to long so no. no you aren't doing that. That's what I come out with on a regular basis when I'm in this mood, I can also become quite manipulative towards my partner.




I'm not always like that but when I am, look out.. I'm quite a soft person which my partner can get his own way with a lot of the time.. If I'm in this mood no means no and don't go on.. My partner tends to deal with this state OK as he knows it passes. What he cant deal with is all the negativity, you get quite negative in these moods as well.





I don't think people understand the effect it has on us, there is being in a bad mood then there is this. The only way I can explain it is 10 times worse the PMS.. I feel like I have walk away from people a lot else say something that they really won't like. Its not nice having control over your irritability. I just wanted a nice chilled day with my children, but everything went wrong.. The more it went wrong the more my mind was getting done in.




Everyone feels like they are walking on egg shells when I'm in a mood like this




I'm home now and I'm fine. My mood has completely shifted.. I look back on today and think why, but its just one of them things.



So given the way I can behave, I think yeah I am impossible at times.. I find when I'm in this mood my children's whining just really gets to me. I feel like my head is just going to explode, I need walk away from it.




The thing I find the hardest is there is no reason for it. I'm taking my medication, doing everything that's asked of me and I'm still getting these moods swing, because that's what they are mood swings. I have to be fair to myself, I haven't had many since I been on this medication. I also find they don't last as long as they would if  I wasn't on it.



I believe the mood swings a lot to do with anxiety as well, I didn't feel right again when left the house, but I try not to let it control me.. I think when you don't feel right you get short tempered and irritable..  Like when your ill and people just don't leave you alone, its a lot like that.



I feel like my partner doesn't understand what anxiety can do to you, he just says "you will be fine in a min, eat something" That gets me wound up, really wound up.. My anxiety then gets worse and my mood becomes worse.



Today has been a bit of a roller coaster regarding my mood, but I'll probably be different tomorrow.






The anxiety is just getting better of me at the moment. I keep thinking its not anxiety and something is wrong with me. I didn't feel anxious when i left the house, its just I go dizzy when walking and that makes my anxiety.






This has happened ever since I been on this medication.. Just now and again ill walk somewhere and feel dizzy.  Maybe because I upped it, its becoming a little worse for the moment. Its not nice to live with tho. I actually feel like I'm going to faint.. I'm not all that concerned as it is a side effect and a common one.. It's just my anxiety is concerned lol.





If you been on seroquel and had these side effects I'd love to hear from you :) Just so I know it's not just me :)


Thanks guys
Keep well :)