To all readers

I have added an amazon link to my page, I love amazon. I am in the middle of writing a book and hoping to see it there soon. My daughter starts school this September and I brought her school uniform there cheaper then anywhere else, so maybe that's a thought for mummy readers.

I don't know if it's a good idea, me having a link like this on my page as I am a shopaholic. My weakness is shoes and handbag. 

Does anyone else find you shop more than other people with bipolar disorder? 

The silly thing about me is, I buy all these shoes and I never have outfits to go with them? Yes i know! I don't know why. 

My other weakness is Avon, I have a two drawers full of products that haven't been opened. I will have to have another draw for the products coming at the end of this month. ( oops) 

Share with me your weakness regarding shopping, I'd love to hear them. Even men please, as long as you aren't having a middle life crisis and out buy 90 thousand pound cars ha-ha. Only messing.

So yeah, check the amazon link out, if you like the site that is, I love the kindle books as well. 

Who do you think spends more? Men or women? I find women will go about pay out for £100 pair of shoes but when a men spend money, it's normally on hobbies. Men will spend £400 in one go on something to do with his hobby? What do you think? Who are the bigger spenders? :) 

What are your reviews on amazon?

Eating disorders and bipolar

Bipolar and eating disorder.

Is there a link well, I think there is I’ll explain why.

I had an eating disorder at the age of 14. I remember just eating a ham salad sandwich a day. I for some reason told myself, that's all I could eat. I don't know why, I even looked forward to eating it. I would only eat at 1pm every day. I wish I could tell you why, but I don’t know. Something I just had in my mind and that was it. I did this for about 6months, I went to a size 6. I was 5ft 7 and I remember I looked so skinny, because of my height. My favourite pair of trousers were red with a silver dragon at the bottom of the right leg, I brought them in the wrong size. The hanger said 10-12 but they were a 6-8. Maybe that’s, what convinced me I couldn't eat to get into these trousers.

I pretty much have had problems with eating ever since. I class myself as a binge eater. Not the eat all day and don’t stop, the don’t eat for 2-4 days, then eat loads for a whole day, when I say loads I mean loads, I can have breakfast, cooked dinner, takeaway, chocolate, crisps and then maybe order another takeaway. I have no routine with eating at all.

I don’t even think my body shows me signs of hunger anymore because I’m so use to it. Or have just learnt to ignore them.

Why do I think this is?

I think it’s because our mood fluctuates, so does our appetite. When I’m depressed I eat hardly nothing. When I am manic I just snack all day, I’m far too busy to eat when manic. So I think when we are stable, we still kind of forget to eat.  Our body is so used to going without food it doesn’t even react anymore. I look at it as I’m not going to listen to it anyway, so it doesn’t bother.

I thought going on anti-psychotics would make me put on weight, six months in and I have lost weight. I did drink quite heavily though. I think because I have given that up, I’m actually losing my baby weight and beer belly. I suppose they do give me a bit of a good appetite, but for the wrong things, chocolate I crave, really bad. I wouldn’t say they make me over eat, I just eat daily now. I went without food for a couple of days last week and I actually felt quite ill. I came over all dizzy, I was feeling really sick and it made me panic. I rang my mum, she asked” have you eaten?” I had to think about it, but I hadn’t. She said “you are hungry Sarah that’s all have some food and you will feel better” and I did, two hours later it came back I had to eat again. So yeah, I think they do make you eat better. I just watch what I eat, I crave carbs, but I try to stay away from them. I eat fruit when I feel a bit funny.  You see I didn’t even know the symptoms of being hungry because I haven’t had them in so long.

I would say I eat more regularly than I did, but not over eat, with this medication. I suppose I’m quite lucky as I said I have actually lost weight.

What snapped me out of my eating disorder at 14? My friend, she actually got so skinny she had to be taken to hospital and be put in a centre where she had to stay all week, if she didn’t eat she wasn’t aloud home at the weekend. I remember having such a hard time to start eating again. I would eat toast in the morning, but by lunch I could even handle a sandwich, I would have one bite. I made a doctor’s appointment and he explained where I haven’t eaten my stomach had shrunk. I would only be able to eat little and often until I built my stomach back up. He wanted to send me for tests, bloods have a look at my stomach lining exactly what happened to my friend but I refused. I just promised him I would eat. I remember it being quite hard, but I did it.

So I do think there is a link to eating disorders and bipolar because as stated or moods. I don’t like the thought of my body not even being bothered to tell me it’s hungry anymore. I have never thought of it that way until I was completely stable. Which was only 4 months ago. So now I am eating regularly to try to remind my body to tell me when it’s hungry now. I have stopped drinking so much tea and coffee as that suppresses hunger. I feel I’m doing pretty well. I didn’t really think I have an eating disorder until my cpn said, I did going on my eating patterns.

What would I say to someone suffering an eating disorder?

I wouldn’t go into all the stuff it can do to you, people know what not eating does too, it will eventually shut down all your organs. I have been there though and it’s a hard thing to beat. I didn’t even know why I was doing it, so that made it even harder, I couldn’t find the reason and try to look at it a different way, to rectify it. It was until I had a scare that helped me sort my eating disorder out at 14. Like I said, they still class me as having one but not as bad as when I was 14.

I would just say, that even eating a little bit a day, and maybe pushing yourself to eat a mouthful more each time. Even if that's only once daily. That is so much better than not eating at all. Some people just can’t beat it without medical help like my friend. If you are out there and think that, you should seek medical help. I understand it is a scary thing to do, But can promise you no-one judges you in the health professional. I think that was my scare, that they were just going to shout and me and tell me not to be silly and just eat. But they don’t. I also went through a stage of making myself sick after eating. It got so bad that my body just threw up anything I ate, Again, I had to start small and work up to keep the food down.

It is consent battle when you have an eating disorder, you're battling with yourself over something your body needs. The way I looked at, in the end you are going to have to eat, or stop making yourself sick. so why not start today. Even if you just do one day, fail you try again eventually you will get there. I did.

Have you ever had an eating disorder, I’d love to hear some success stories, I love success stories. If you are suffering from an eating disorder and would just like to chat my email address or google hang out are there. I am always happy to listen and offer advice if needed.

Anyone is free to add me on hangout, I will reply to any that message

Hope you are all well, guys

postnatal depression

Postnatal depression

Seeing as this am covering depression, I thought I would cover this one as well. I feel many bipolar sufferers will get this after childbirth. I think it’s to do with the hormones. It messes our chemical balances even more.  I know any new mum can suffer, but i think we are more likely to develop it.

As explained in my past posts, I had postnatal depression after all three of my pregnancies. My first was my worst. Nobody recognized it, not even me.

Why I think nobody recognized it?

It’s your first baby, now come on, that was a massive shock to the system. I breastfed all of my children, but Lilly I breastfed, what I believe now, for way too long. She fed every hour and half for 5 months, night and day. She wouldn’t take a bottle, not even expressed milk until four months. I was so tired for five months. To be honest, I can’t even really remember the five months. Only the way I felt.

So you have sleepless nights, of course you're going to be acting differently. Of course you aren’t going to be able to take in very much information, when people talk to you. Of course you’re going to have a lot of worry, you’re a new mum. But when does this become a problem?

For me, my baby blue’s never went. About three to seven days after birth you get what is called baby blue’s you cry and cry for nothing, or over the silliest things. Not every woman get’s this, but it is around 70%. I cried for months after all of my pregnancies, I think I cried at least once every day for couple months. After I had Lilly, it was for about 8 months, until my family said I need to go seek help.

I didn't even sleep when Lilly slept, I used to lay awake thinking I would die in my sleep and who was going to look after her. I thought she might stop breathing and I wouldn’t know to help her. I wouldn’t leave the house in case something happened to me, who was going to look after precious things that was now my responsibility to look after and care. That’s one big responsibility as I learnt when she was born.  I became obsessed with dying, I would think about it 30 times a day. I was in a really bad place. I would have Lilly on me constantly I wouldn’t let her go, unless she was sleeping, but I was always next to her.  I wouldn't let anyone have her.  She never actually went with anyone until she was a year old.

Something scared me around the four month mark. I was sitting on the end of my bed trying to stay awake, feeding Lilly. Jamie (My partner) was snoring,  I just remember looking at him asleep and feeling so much hate. The image of me putting a pillow over his head and killing him ran through my mind. I actually sat there and thought I could do it, I actually wanted to do it.  I remember thinking to myself, this is why people commit murder then.

I went to the doctors because into all this, they said it was just anxiety and told me to seek counselling. No medication just counselling.

I think people don’t recognize postnatal depression so quickly after you have your first child, because nobody knows what’s just taking to being a new mother and when they have postnatal depression. Your life changes so dramatically so of course you are too.

I hated Jamie for months, I resented everything he was doing, for me and Lilly, I hated being around him,  I honestly just had pure hate for him.

It wasn’t until Lilly was 8months, I got diagnosed postnatal depression, I was just a pure mess by then. Drinking most nights anything to make me feel better. I just felt that I didn’t know anything about myself anymore, I actually returned to work when Lilly was 6 months trying to shift the feelings. Nothing worked.

They prescribed me anti depressants, because this was before I knew I was bipolar.  I found myself again within 6 weeks, but after that went manic and ended up conceiving my son Logan, I recognized it quicker with Logan around three months, but I didn’t have it anywhere near as bad as I did I Lilly. I was just a little depressed. The same with my twins, I got depressed, but this time I was thinking more about bipolar and that’s when I got diagnosed.

Postnatal depression is awful. You feel like you should be happy, you just been given this great gift. You feel guilty because you don’t, this makes it worse. You get scared over everything, that makes you go stir crazy, I would watch anything to do with death at all. I stopped watching all the soaps because of it.

What would I say to anyone that thinks they have it?

If you think you have it, you most probably have. It’s not a bad thing, but it needs to be treated. Mine just got worse and worse because it was left untreated. I felt so alone.

I wouldn’t talk to people in case they judged me as a parent, because of how I was feeling. It is not true, you are not a bad mum because you got a little depressed after childbirth. I would say you would be a great mum by going and getting the help, so you can have the strength to have all the fun you can with your new bundle of joy. Instead of feeling drained and not good enough. I always thought I was a rubbish mother, in them 8 months, but I wasn't, I just wasn't very well.

I hate the thought of someone sat there now holding their baby and just crying and not knowing why.. That’s why I did this post, I have experienced this first hand. As I said in my post about depression, it’s a horrible illness, but I think postnatal depression takes it one step further because you are responsible for something and you feel you're failing. When you most certainly are not. You put all your energy into this little bundle of joy and have all the excess worrying.

It doesn't need to be that way though. Here are the signs of postnatal depression, if anyone is reading this that thinks someone, or you might have it please seek some help. You will feel so much better when you do, This kind of illness rarely gets better on it's own in time, because that’s what I thought.

How you may feel

Sadness and low

Tearful for no apparent reason

Worthless

Hopeless about the future

Tired

Unable to cope

Irritable and angry

Guilty

Hostile or indifferent to your husband or partner

Hostile or indifferent to your baby.

You may find that you

Lose concentration

Have disturbed sleep

Find it hard to sleep – even when you have the opportunity

Have a reduced appetite

Lack interest in sex

Have thoughts about death.

So please if you feel any of these symptoms two weeks after birth, seek some medical advice, you can even talk to your health visitor.

Of course the big one there is you're tired , you are going to be tired, If you find that your tired and can’t sleep, that when you need to seek some help.

The awful word depression

Depression

I feel like I need to cover this as I haven’t yet other than my last post, a poem.

What does depression feel like for me?

I get more depressed the winter, that is a horrible time of year for me. It shouldn’t be it’s Christmas, lol. I think it’s to do with the daylight saving. It gets too dark early and light too late. This really affects my moods. Anyone with S.A.D. Will relate to this. My depressive episodes are awful. I can only but try to explain how it feels.

You feel like you are nothing, life isn’t even worth living. Most of the time there is no reason for you to feel like this, you don’t even know why you feel like it. I don’t eat, I sleep far too much, I can’t be bothered to do anything. Everything just seems like a chore. I just want to lock myself in a room and be alone.

I say it’s wallowing in self pity for no particular reason.

Why? You normally have a reason to be depressed right? Grief, job loss, relationship  breakdown, etc. With bipolar you don’t even have to have a reason. Your life could be going fantastic, no problems at all, then bang. It hits you like a ton of bricks has fallen on you. This is what I find people mistake with bipolar and depression episodes. The fact we don’t have a reason to be depressed. We don’t even know why ourselves half the time.

I struggle with this part of the illness, and I’m sorry, but there isn’t one thing positive I can say about it. By now you should realize from my posts, I like to find the positive in everything, but this one beats me. I am defeated regarding depression.

Depression doesn’t come on it's own I find. My anxiety rockets when I get depressed. I overthink things and become my own worst enemy. I know I shouldn’t, but tell my mind that lol.. When I’m depressed I’m scared of everything. I turn into a hypochondriac, every ache or pain, that’s it I’m looking on the internet. Looking at worst case scenarios believing it’s happening to me, or I have it. It’s quite funny writing that, I can laugh at myself lol. When happens, though it’s not a laughing matter.  This causes me so much stress it unreal, but it’s me doing it to my bloody self lol.

Depression totally changes the way you think, take that for example, if I was depressed now I wouldn’t be laughing about it.

Yes, I have coping strategies, but they do go out of the window a lot when I’m depressed. Exercise when you're depressed, they say? I can’t even be bothered to wash my hair, let alone exercise lol. I am happy if I achieve that when I’m depressed.  I’d probably be ecstatic if I managed exercise probably send me manic lol.

God, I bloody hate depression, maybe that’s why I put off about writing about it.  It’s one thing I’m scared of now I’m on medication and well quite stable. I don’t want to ever go back to that. I have at least one depressive episode in a year, one manic, and maybe one mixed episode. My depression lasts the longest out of the three, anything from a month - six months. That's probably why I struggle with it so much, as it’s the longest episode for me and I can’t seem to get myself out of it.

I also find my moods are unbearable, when I suffer depression. I’m snappy, uptight, constantly stressed, impatient, etc. I know I’m not very nice to live with when I’m depressed. I won’t be hard on myself about that though. If you have ever suffered depression you will know how crap you feel inside, so it’s going to show on the outside right?

Another thing I can’t handle is the crying, people ask why you are crying and you don’t even know.. I can cry for hours a day, but can’t tell anyone why. I think depression is just one big mind fuck. (Excuse my french) but it's the only way I can describe it. I actually feel so much anger and hate towards it. Lol.

I will leave on a positive note though, seeing as I wrote about a negative thing. I am on medication this year for Christmas, I am hoping it will be my first year, I don’t have to deal with this horrible (yes, I will call it hateful because it is) Illness, in such a long time.

I'll keep you posted on that one as to be honest it isn’t that far away.

If you have anything positive to say, to get yourself through it (I doubt it) but I’d love to hear it. I hate the fact that this one beats me.

Poem

Poem on depression

There is a dark cloud in my mind,

Nothing shifts it so I find,

It’s heavy and black,

Which now energy I lack.

Sleep my life away,

Just to keep these symptoms at bay,

The hate for yourself inside,

This roller-coaster I must ride,

The cloud produces tears,

Makes you overthink all your fears,

Nothing can explain the emptiness inside,

Other than it feels a part of me has died.

Sleep my life away,

Just to keep these symptoms at bay,

The hate for yourself inside,

This roller-coaster I must ride,

Your laughter is so fake,

But you put it on for everyone else's sake,

The way out you must find,

You must find away to heal your mind.

Sleep my life away,

Just to keep these symptoms at bay,

The hate for yourself inside,

This roller-coaster I must ride,

Some take this pain away,

But whatever you do it still remains,

can you relate?

How do you keep depression at bay?

Sleep my life away,

Just to keep these symptoms at bay,

The hate for yourself inside,

This roller-coaster I must ride,

In time, the cloud lifts,

All the darkness seems to shift,

You can live your life again,

but it will return, the only question is when.

My partner

My partners out look on bipolar

My partner name is Jamie. He took some time out with me to explain what it’s like being in a relationship with a bipolar suffer.

I suppose it was him who helped me get diagnosed. Something made me look it up. I read it all to him and he said there isn’t one thing there you aren’t.

I suppose I took that quite hard at first, because if you are honest the way they write symptoms of bipolar isn’t most positive is it?

The one thing they do write that tends to bother me is the percentage in which bipolar sufferers commit suicide because of this illness. Yes i know it’s a very serious mental illness but do they really need to write that?

That’s massive. Most people that look bipolar up either think they suffer, they do suffer or they know someone who suffers.

I understand the awareness point of view, but I think that worries people sick. Every time a bipolar sufferer goes into an episode, everyone around them may think that? Do people really need to have that added on top?

That's one thing about bipolar that bothers my partner now, he is always on edge when I get ill, because of reading that.

I mentioned I took the symptoms of bipolar quite hard but this how Jamie perceived that to me to make me feel better

I will name a couple;

• Eggshells

He explains living with someone that sufferers bipolar as, you are walking on eggshells, a lot of the time.

You never know if something you say will be wrong and change that person's mood in an instant.

He finds that part difficult. He explains it as one day he could say something to me, the next day the similar kind of thing could be said and I react completely different to it.

He feels he has to think about it more before he speaks Then you would to the “classed normal” person.

• Unpredictable

My partner explains this as even from the moment I wake up he never knows what mood i’m going to be. It's not until I say my first sentence, he know what kind of day he could be in for.

I am definitely not a morning person and I can shout over simple things, Jamie normally says “ Go back to bed ”.

He says

“ If you are left alone for a good half hour after you wake, you am more settled in my moods throughout the day. If not you can be in a mood for half a day easy, Over someone just talking to you ”.

Jamie says I do unpredictable things and act on impulse a lot of the time, which can make life a bit chaotic. I could wake up and just say we are going out, no planning nothing just leave the house. With four children under 5, he believes you need to plan.

I never really plan anything, my actions are a lot on impulse. If I do plan things my mind could change next day, so I tend not to bother.

• Impulsive.

He explains that I can live so much on impulse and never think of the consequence after. What he means is like when I think I don’t need him when I’m manic. When I ask him to leave, Then come back. He says I don’t think far ahead of a couple days later when I want him to come home.

He says

“ That bothers me because I am just expected to come home there and then regardless of what you have done ”.

I can understand his point here completely but I’m not very well when I do this so no I don’t think about consequences.

• Several different people

Jamie explains this one as a positive. He likes the fact I’m several different people. He never gets bored of our relationship because of this. He finds it keeps it fresh.

He says

“I dont just have a relationship with one girl I have 6. If I takes a little bit from each person, I have the perfect girlfriend”.

• Living on the edge

Jamie says he likes this part to me also. I can be very fun, just straight out silly.

He says

“ It keeps our relationship exciting as well as our lives ”.Not even the unpredictable and impulsiveness is all bad .

He likes some of it. Like when I just go buy him something for nothing (the last was an i pad). When I’ll book a holiday and leave within a couple of days.

He says there are quite a few positive things about being in a relationship with a bipolar sufferer but there are also bad.

• Depression

Jamie doesn’t like the depression side of things, this is where he notices the most that I’m not my usual self.

He says

“ It’s not the way you behave it’s the fact I can see you low and I can’t really help you. I don’t know how to ”.

• Manics

Jamie doesn’t like the risky behaviour in this episode, he feels for my safety. He forgives my behaviour, but struggles with the worry

He mentions again about the not thinking of the consequences.

He says

“ Other than the them couple of negatives, Its really not that bad, if you can take time out, to get to know the bipolar sufferer. I disregarded all the episodes because I know they aren’t sarah, it’s just her illness”

She is a very kind hearted person. I have to do things for her and make sure she looks after herself, but that’s what love is. You just have to take the positives, with the negatives like you do in any relationships. Nobody is perfect. Sarah has to deal with negatives from me also”

So there you go guys that’s my partner’s outlook on loving someone with bipolar. Hope you enjoyed the read.

Please continue to comment, if you feel strongly about any topic. As you can see I always reply to them, I will continue to do so. A big shout out to my returning readers, you are the reason I keep posting, so thank you. A thank you to all my new readers too.

I hope you are all enjoying my blog