Thursday, 13 August 2015

The awful word depression


I feel like I need to cover this as I haven’t yet other than my last post, a poem.

What does depression feel like for me?

I get more depressed the winter, that is a horrible time of year for me. It shouldn’t be it’s Christmas, lol. I think it’s to do with the daylight saving. It gets too dark early and light too late. This really affects my moods. Anyone with S.A.D. Will relate to this. My depressive episodes are awful. I can only but try to explain how it feels.

You feel like you are nothing, life isn’t even worth living. Most of the time there is no reason for you to feel like this, you don’t even know why you feel like it. I don’t eat, I sleep far too much, I can’t be bothered to do anything. Everything just seems like a chore. I just want to lock myself in a room and be alone.

I say it’s wallowing in self pity for no particular reason.

Why? You normally have a reason to be depressed right? Grief, job loss, relationship  breakdown, etc. With bipolar you don’t even have to have a reason. Your life could be going fantastic, no problems at all, then bang. It hits you like a ton of bricks has fallen on you. This is what I find people mistake with bipolar and depression episodes. The fact we don’t have a reason to be depressed. We don’t even know why ourselves half the time.

I struggle with this part of the illness, and I’m sorry, but there isn’t one thing positive I can say about it. By now you should realize from my posts, I like to find the positive in everything, but this one beats me. I am defeated regarding depression.

Depression doesn’t come on it's own I find. My anxiety rockets when I get depressed. I overthink things and become my own worst enemy. I know I shouldn’t, but tell my mind that lol.. When I’m depressed I’m scared of everything. I turn into a hypochondriac, every ache or pain, that’s it I’m looking on the internet. Looking at worst case scenarios believing it’s happening to me, or I have it. It’s quite funny writing that, I can laugh at myself lol. When happens, though it’s not a laughing matter.  This causes me so much stress it unreal, but it’s me doing it to my bloody self lol.

Depression totally changes the way you think, take that for example, if I was depressed now I wouldn’t be laughing about it.

Yes, I have coping strategies, but they do go out of the window a lot when I’m depressed. Exercise when you're depressed, they say? I can’t even be bothered to wash my hair, let alone exercise lol. I am happy if I achieve that when I’m depressed.  I’d probably be ecstatic if I managed exercise probably send me manic lol.

God, I bloody hate depression, maybe that’s why I put off about writing about it.  It’s one thing I’m scared of now I’m on medication and well quite stable. I don’t want to ever go back to that. I have at least one depressive episode in a year, one manic, and maybe one mixed episode. My depression lasts the longest out of the three, anything from a month - six months. That's probably why I struggle with it so much, as it’s the longest episode for me and I can’t seem to get myself out of it.

I also find my moods are unbearable, when I suffer depression. I’m snappy, uptight, constantly stressed, impatient, etc. I know I’m not very nice to live with when I’m depressed. I won’t be hard on myself about that though. If you have ever suffered depression you will know how crap you feel inside, so it’s going to show on the outside right?

Another thing I can’t handle is the crying, people ask why you are crying and you don’t even know.. I can cry for hours a day, but can’t tell anyone why. I think depression is just one big mind fuck. (Excuse my french) but it's the only way I can describe it. I actually feel so much anger and hate towards it. Lol.

I will leave on a positive note though, seeing as I wrote about a negative thing. I am on medication this year for Christmas, I am hoping it will be my first year, I don’t have to deal with this horrible (yes, I will call it hateful because it is) Illness, in such a long time.

I'll keep you posted on that one as to be honest it isn’t that far away.

If you have anything positive to say, to get yourself through it (I doubt it) but I’d love to hear it. I hate the fact that this one beats me.

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