Saturday, 24 October 2015


What an arrogant one I met.. 

As explained I had a session last month, I wish I never went to be honest. He tried to put borderline personality disorder on top of my bipolar

I'll explain

I had to move to a different place because the attachment area for our care teams changed.. May I add that I have never seen the same shrink twice in the whole 8 months I been diagnosed. I think this is obscene. How is someone meant to get to know me and my illness if I see a different one every bloody 6 weeks. 

So I turned up at my new place of care.. On the point of walking in he did not say hello nothing. I was being told I was having another assessment as I was a new patient. Bare in mind that I have seen 6 different shrinks and they all said the same bipolar effective disorder. So I had to go threw my past, my behavior everything again. Even though this was all on the system, from my my previous care team.. 

So I will admit that when I gave up the alcohol I did go into a little bit of gambling, sometimes I spent to much but not to the point that I didn't look after my family. Oh my days he come down on me like a ton of bricks saying that I couldn't see the problem I had with not knowing how much I spent in the last six months.. The only reason I didn't know what I spent was because it would probably make me sick the amount I spent. I simply explained that I didn't have a problem and that I was addressing it.

 I even said do you go out at the weekend spend like £60 on a meal? His reply was we are not here about me i'm not the one asking for help so lets keep it about you. I only was tying to explain that I don't do things like that and I like to have something for myself and that £60 pound I might gamble is no different.  

He continued to go on about the gambling and for the 6th time I explained I do not have a problem I can give it up at anytime but its something I enjoy as I don't do anything else. He would not listen. Then I got a bit angry, like any person would having to say things over and over again.. I was then called a passive aggressive and that I was emotionally unstable. Oh my days it this bloke for real. I was stopping the gambling before I even went to that appointment. Would he listen no.. 

Who do these people think they are? Anyone that wasn't listened to and had to keep repeating themselves would get annoyed surly? That's a normal human reaction isn't it? So because of this I have had added the personality disorder. He didn't even say goodbye just pointed to the door. 

I cant really moan because all the other people I have seen been really nice, but this person was going to be my shrink from now on. Not a chance I came away from there not knowing what illness I had, what medication I was meant to take. I didn't know my ass from my hand. I got in and rung to make a complaint. There was no way I was seeing that man again. Lucky they listened and said I shouldn't of even had another assessment I had already been assessed by a higher up shrink and that he could not over rule that. 

They are in the process of changing my shrink and I cant see one now until January but at least I don't have to see him again. Just to make a point I have gambled £20 in the last two months. So when I said I didn't have a problem, I didn't..

I would love to hear your stories of shrinks and bad experiences because that was a very bad experience I even said I don't want to see anyone anymore. At least the manager agreed with me and said that was so unprofessional and I will be dealing with this personally. I came to find out that he was just a stand in and they were thinking of taking him on in that practice, I hope they don't now.

What do you think of shrinks, I did also to hear positive stories because that has made me really not want to bother anymore.  

Hope you are all well 

Friday, 23 October 2015

ups and downs..

Well what a couple of months I have had.. 

I thought I'd update you all as I haven't posted in a while. I have had to up medication, and went threw a stage of not waiting any medication at all. This bipolar illness started getting the better of me. Anyone had that? I felt like just giving up on all the work I have put into my blog and just letting bipolar beat me.. I suppose over the years this many happen a lot. I have come to realize that we do actually need something to simulate our minds or we will just get poorly. As soon as I started admitting defeat I went more poorly. I got sick and tired of taking medication every night, I somehow I convinced myself there was no way I  had bipolar. Luckily I still kept taking my medication, but I thought how can I write a blog on something that I haven't got. I think I started getting poorly at the point I was more then happy for my partner to leave. I could do this by myself, bring up four children is  easy. MANIC.

I have been threw a few projects.. sewing, writing a book. so I must been a little it higher then I should be ha ha.. To me I wasn't poorly but least this manic when me and my partner sorted things didn't involve in major risk taking. I still stayed off the alcohol and it was more of a controlled manic expect I thought I didn't have bipolar and everyone was wrong.. 

I find that I can laugh at myself tho which is a good thing I suppose. I went from to thinking bipolar was beating me to me not having it all in 3 weeks.. 

So me and my partner has had a few ups and downs the last couple months but we are still here. I still don't think he can't understand fully what my bipolar is and cant handle it. He gets annoyed that I start all these things and never finish any,  but that's just going to be me isn't it.

I suppose that is a good thing about the blog I can always come back to it, and hope that my loyal readers understand the ups and down that bipolar brings. 

I also seen a shrink about two months ago that put me all up in the air. Borderline personality may be added to my diagnoses as well they think I have both. That didn't go down to well with me and I have been adjusting to that so sorry I haven't posted  

I also find with these shrinks that they always treat your manics before your depression anyone find that? You are feeling great and they want to shatter that? I find that silly, but I am one of the few people that likes my manics. A lot of people don't actually like them. During this manic I actually was quite constructive. I started paying my debts and started sorting out Christmas.. Seeing as I didn't think I had bipolar I just was just to busy in my mind to be able to write a post to be honest.. It was would just been rambling and jumping from one topic to another. 

I also now have to have a cpn visit me on weekly basis to try to keep me managed.. What a couple of months I been threw eh? 

But I hope my readers are happy I'm back and I'm now feeling well.. I really do hope you understand why I haven't posted 

Hope this finds you all well..

Tuesday, 1 September 2015

Are we strong or weak?

Strength or weakness

Is mental illness, weakness or just too much strength? 

I'm quite split minded with this.. 

Sometimes I think it is just a weakness of not being able to pull yourself out of things. The only reason I feel this is I like to be able control my own mind, but when you suffer mental health that isn't always possible is it? Our mind thinks some crazy ass things. 

Sometimes I look at it as it's my mind why the can't I control the thoughts, I sometimes believe that I am weak because of this. Nobody likes the feeling of losing control over their own mind.. It's your mind you can should be able to control it. Right? Same way as you control when you move parts of your body? What is the difference, eh? 

In the next breath I feel no the mind is just a powerful thing that sometimes can just go hay-wall. As they say we only use 10% of the brain.. What happens if it that bipolar people use more of it? 

Maybe it is nothing to do with chemical imbalance maybe we just use more of our brain than the average person? Ever thought that? That's why we get so up and down? Too much for our brain to handle maybe? You have to be honest with yourself most bipolar people have gifts in some way or another? Mine is I have an excellent imagination. So I am hoping that my imagination will help get a book published :) .   

So if we use more of our brains than the normal person that strong right? Maybe the medication actually stops us using more of our brain. That's why we get forgetful, groggy feelings and just not with it sometimes. Something about. 

I also believe we are strong, we battle with our mind the most powerful thing and most of us always win in the end. Yeah, maybe we need medication to keep a balance, but we have to be strong to take that medication to stay well.. Expecting that you have a mental illness is hard, but we accept it and make ourselves better right? Come on, that's strong.. 

We still try to live a normal life, regardless of what our illness does to us, Fair enough we lose it sometimes, but everyone does. Even "classed normal people" We deal with a lot more of than the "classed normal person" 

Sometimes I look at people that are going threw a little bit of a rough it, or what they believe is a rough time and I think to myself you should try living in my head, you wouldn't last a week. 

Is that judgmental or just strength? Thinking oh my god, you fall apart after that? Really?  

Do you ever think like that.. I am talking about a person that gets depressed because a cat dies or something.. I'm not heartless, I love animals, but depressed over it? You seem to me, that's not a major thing? Again judgmental or am I just too strong because of my illness?  Does this illness make you just numb to things that the "classed normal people" would fall apart over. 

Sometimes I wish the "classed normal people" could live a week in our shoes, then maybe they would understand more. Yeah, you can read about bipolar and the symptoms, but they never really understand do they? 

The one that people say to me is " ring your care team, your emotionally draining me"  I just think what the ****, try being in my head then you will understand what emotionally drained actually is.. 

Like i stated I have had a relationship breakdown and because I'm talking to family quite a bit about it, they are emotionally drained? I thought that what people do when they break up with people, go to people for support? 

I am bipolar though, aren't I automatically have to ring my care team because it's not just hurt over a relationship breakdown it's my bipolar.  You see we have to be strong there also to hear what others have to say to you. In the last six months I am fed up with hearing my care team, My care team. It's as though I can't feel like a normal person, it's always my bipolar to everyone else. 

Overall though we are strong, way stronger than the average person and I fully believe that, As stated I think if the "classed normal person" had to deal with what we did" they would fall apart way quicker than us 

Monday, 31 August 2015


I'm sorry to my readers that I haven't been here posting.. 

I have been feeling quite stressed and up and down. Some days I feel fine other days I'm all over the place.. I spent 3 days just crying, but today has been one of my good days :) 

So I think I'll cover stress today.. What a nightmare stress is eh?

I have had lots of symptoms of stress overload.. 

* Heart palpitations
* Aching body
* Headaches
* Anxiety
* Lack of appetite
* No energy
* Dizziness  (due to not eating)
* Stiffness of jaw.
* Feeling strange

Trying to deal with a relationship breakdown and looking after four children is for certain causing me stress..

Every day people suffer stress don't they? 

I speak to the older generation and they say life was never as stressful as it is now. 
So what has changed? 

What I believe 

Things were never so open as they use to be, now everything is hitting the media and news.. They make us aware of everything that goes on in this world. That's stress in its self.. Maybe this is why so many people suffer the anxiety they do? 

Things have just become so fast, you never have time for anything. Its not a chilled out place like it use to be. People are more competitive with each other, want to better than other people, have more than other people? So do these people bring the stress on themselves comparing themselves to everyone? Yeah, everyone wants to succeed in life, but we all can't. Everyone looks at succeeding in life in a different way.

Back in the grandparents' generation you would swap things that you needed, but now, oh I got to work my bum off to get that. Its all materialist in this world now. People use to just be happy with what they had and be grateful for what they had. What happened to that? Surly trying to keep up with the Jones as I call it causes stress. Unnecessary stress.. People just want more and more in this world now.. That makes the next generation what more and more? When will this stop? 

I think this way of the world has a lot to do with mental illnesses. It's just the pure stress of it. Don't you think if we didn't hear about these rapists, murders and be completely oblivious to it, we would live a less stressful life? Then comes the question of if they didn't plaster all this evil on the news, papers, etc. maybe it wouldn't make people like it? I blame the news and everything for why people are out there murdering more, raping because it's just everywhere. Its sick to say, but it's just become an everyday thing. Why? Because its in your face all the time. They are giving peoples' idea of what others have done? Why would society do that? 

What's your views on this one id love to hear it?

Sunday, 23 August 2015



As stated in my last post I believe my ex is one of these.. He follows all the traits of one. Maybe that's why it's been so hard for me to leave in the past. Ill let you know why I think it. 

We split up after six months of being together. He convinced me to stay with him a bedsit the same night we went on our first date. I didn't bother with anyone just went to work and made him my life. Everything was good we got on really well. Next came the abuse, he had just come out of a relationship and would sit there telling me how he still loved her and I was nothing compared to her etc. I would say I was leaving him and he would pack my stuff for me. 

I did eventually leave him in the end, but regretted it for some reason. I tried to get him back, but he didn't just texted abuse all the time. 

It was a year later I just heard from him out of the blue saying I miss you. Completely messed my head up. We ended up meeting up and giving another shot. This was short lived as he just vanished off the face of the earth two weeks later.

I found out I was pregnant. I went through all the abuse of it's not mine your a slag etc. Had people ringing me threatening me.. I lived a hard four months. 

I then see him on my way home from work and I got off the bus to confront him. We ended up getting back together and getting a place.. We were brilliant after this, just me and him. He would do anything for me etc. I don't know when it all changed it just did. He use to punish me for saying something he didn't like. When things didn't go his way he would leave and ignore me for however long. 

He says he did this to punish me for the wrong I did?

It drove me insane, I even shaved my hair off  once because of the stress of him. He could win me back over, he would play on my fears and insecurities and bring me down. So I ended up believing it was my fault, I am wrong. He would come back on his terms then and get whatever he wanted in the first place. 

I'm sure he is incapable of loving anyone other than himself. He always puts people down to make himself look good or feel better (never to their face of course) only mine. 

He says it's my fault he hurts me cause I allow to, if I didn't care he couldn't hurt me. So basically I shouldn't have feelings, like he doesn't.

He is a lair, he will lie to anyone to get his own way or to get out of trouble. He will never face responsibility everything is everyone else fault. 

If I am right about him being a narcissistic, he will leave soon anyway for some else, then humiliate me to say I am the crazy one.
I think he used me to mother his children. They tend to use people in life, for they want. They never love them its just all about winning. They believe life is a game.  

They tend to go for mentally strong people so is a challenge to bring them down. They go for people pleasers, so they can get anything want. If you start questioning, they punish you. They will withdraw from you, make you feel you don't even exist to them. 

Narcissism is a personality disorder, so its mental health. There is no cure, though. They can give medication to help a bit and therapy, but there is no cure. Narcissistic think there isn't anything wrong with them, that they are just smart at life. 

I would advice if you ever meet one run and run as your life depended on it. They suck all the life out of you until you don't even know who you are anymore. You just live by their unhealthy boundaries because of happens when you don't..

You walk a life of egg shells and no voice. 

I think this blog made me find my voice again and it helped me leave him. 

Have you had any experiences with a narcissistic? 

I would love to hear the stories of survival because I know I'm far from clear of him yet :(

Saturday, 22 August 2015

Single mum's

Why are we targeted so much? 

As I have stated in other posts I have been a single mum a couple of times, during my 7 year relationship. Every time I become one, I become more aware of the things that are said about us.

Facebook is a massive one for targeting us. They even go as low to say, if you can find a babysitter to have a night out on the weekend, you can find someone to look after your children while you work. 

I think in this society today we are looked at as just having kids to live on benefits and have hand outs. When I used to say I was a single mum, people looked at me funny. I think they think I have 4 children with different dads and again I just done it to get hand outs. 

I agree there are people out there that have done it and women are still doing it. Why should we be tied with the same brush though? I hate the label that people put over single mothers. They don't even know why you are single etc, they just assume things. How has society got so cruel? 

Now if they had children themselves they would know bringing up children is a full-time job in itself, even with two parents at home. When there is only one, it very hard work do they not realize this? They are more thinking about the money the single parents are receiving? 

Take me for an example. I'm now becoming a single mother because I am in an mental abusive relationship. What I should stay in that so that I don't get judged? Have people never thought maybe people stay in relationships that are harmful, because of the way society looks at us? 

I really don't know where all this came from.. Single parent use to be looked at with respect for the job they were doing. What happened to that? 

Have people really become that narrow minded? 

I am a believer in if you have your children you look after them, I understand that people will disagree with that. I disagree with parents that have babies and return to work within 3 months? I really don't get that? I think you either have to choose a career or children? Or have your career when you children go to school. Me as a mother I didn't want to miss any milestone of my children the thought of a childminder seeing everything before me really upset me. 

I did return to work when my daughter was born, but my ex was at home. I do believe in one parent working, but I believe the other should be at home with the child. Like I said you had them, not a childminder. 

That's just my views though. 

Back to single mum's why do you believe we get slated so much? 
Things in life don't always turn out the way we plan. Do you think I planned to be on my own with 4 children and broken family. Hell no. My ex didn't turn out to be the person I thought he was. I have done some research and I actually believe he is a narcissistic.  I will cover that I think in another post. 

I believe that being bipolar makes me have very strong view and sometimes I can be quite conversational, but that is just part of me. I have strong morals and I like to share them, weather people agree or not. 

Do you find that with bipolar and what are your views on single mums?

Friday, 21 August 2015

Productive day!!

I have had an alright day today. I have done the first step into the grieving processes. Even though he has hurt me so much the last 7 years I think I am actually numb to it. 

I have cleared all his stuff, put memories in a box in the attic, changed my bedroom around and my living room .I feel as though I now need to make this my home, not our home. 

I spoke to him briefly and asked what he wanted me to do with his stuff as I wanted out of my house today. His reply was "I only have £190 left, I can't really afford you to send it in a taxi. £190 pound out of nearly £800.. in two days gone. When I'm here with no money what so ever. I cant take my children anywhere or anything without money. (its raining but that's far from the point.) I sent the stuff anyway..

I was going through paperwork, that he would need. I found a letter stashed date the beginning of this  month saying he was receiving it on the day he got it. He never once told me this. He hid letter from me. What a deceitful horrible person. I will put up with a lot but deceit is just an awful trait. Its thought about, its planned. 

Do I hate him no, I just wish the best luck, He will need it with that way that he. I have put up with lies about drugs, people knocking on my door threatening me because he had drug debt. He will always deny it, but its obvious. He never does drugs when he around my children well class As, but whenever he leaves that's the reason for it. I believe now. He will just messed up for a week then expect to come home when he drugged all the money up the wall. 

I always say no but then the abuse starts and he brings me down, to control me. Threatening me with things, just being dam right spiteful. 

How I have worked out to get past this, this time?. I have call barring I have barred his number. He has had instructions to contact my mum about arrangements with my children. 

How am feeling. Relief I think. I don't have to put with this anymore, Yeah its going to take sometime to adjust to being a single mum, its going to be lonely. I'm going to miss him but when that has all gone, I never be sat here like this again, to do with him.

Here's to a new chapter in my life guys :) 

Thursday, 20 August 2015

Partner has left me AGAIN

Sorry to my readers I didn't post yesterday, or reply to the wonderful comment you left about dealing greif with the 
of my nan. 

My so called partner left again yesterday!

Did he have a reason NO.

Ill explain.

He put in for a claim for carers allowance and had a lovely little back date. I needed some of it for bills a tiny about for what he actually got paid. 

He kicked right off. Say about my gambling ( yes I do have a little problem with that, but I'm working on it) The thing is with the gambling he always sits there with me and agrees to the money I put on. As soon as he has money I'm all wrong for it.

He has brought up about how much work I do on my blog, when a week ago he was all supportive of it. 
The real reason he has left? To keep the money. He will go off and spend then expect to come back. He has left me and his children £20 to live on until Tuesday. ( nice father eh?)

Am I bothered, No not at the moment. I have been here so many times that its such old news..

He will go stay with his mother and turn all phones off. That's normally the part that bothers me, but that even running dry in my eyes now. I expect now. He does it to keep control and I see that now. Ignoring someone that has done nothing wrong is all part of control. 

I am thinking I really do need to leave this relationship. He kind of makes my illness worse. He lets me get better then leaves to make me ill again. He keeps all the control then doesn't he. 
I know I'll have bad days and it's them bad days that makes me cave into taking him back. Plus four children under 5 is very hard by yourself. 

Having said that writing this blog has made me see all the things I have got through in my life and is it such a big thing him leaving. I actually don't think it is. 

I might just be having a positive day and crash tomorrow, but today I'm thinking that he has done this so many times to me and my children. Its better he is not here. 

He told me that I make him sick and that I make him sick that much that its over. 

I am no way going to put up with that. Maybe I have for the last 7 years, but I am medicated now and quite stable in my mind. 

I just thought I would let you know what is going on and if I don't post you know the reason why. My determination is to carry on with this blog and write my book regardless of is going on in my life. This blog is a very big positive in my life and it helps keep me stable. 

My partner can be a very selfish man. I don't think I can put up with it anymore. I feel I deserve better then that . It's took me 7 years to think at it like that but, I really think I do. Maybe I am stable enough now to make the decisions I should of a long time ago.

I am finally running out of excuses of why I stay with his man. I look at my life and think how did I get here? 

I hope you are well guys :) 

Tuesday, 18 August 2015

Can I ask some advice off of my readers

I am going to ask some advice from my readers

As you know if you have read my blog, my nan passed back last year. The only problem was I had so much going on with my life at the time I had to look after myself. I unfortunately had to suppress the grief. I was carrying my twins, I couldn’t afford to get depressed or go through the stages of grief. So pretty much ignored the fact she had passed.

I was very close to my nan, I lived with her most of my life. I didn’t actually move out until I was carrying my first child at 25. 

The problem is since, I have had my twins and everything has pretty much settled down. I have obviously had more time to think. I understand the grief process, but when does it become something more guys? I’m not talking about depression. I am talking about post traumatic stress.  You see, at first, I just thought, yes I am going to think about my nan everyday, yes, I’m going to keep thinking about the last time I saw her. 

This now though, is carrying on and getting worse. I dream about the last time I saw her all the time. I keep thinking about her last words that she said to my mum. I used to look out of the window in the evenings not long after she passed. I can’t do that anymore, I actually get scared too  and don’t know why. If I can see a little bit of the sky at night from my bed, I get out and adjust the curtains. 

Like I said, I only starting to actually dealing with the fact she past about nine months ago. I feel it driving me a little insane now with the thoughts all the time. Don’t get me wrong, I love thinking of my nan everyday, but I just wish it wasn’t around the time she died all the time. I wish I could just think about good memories. All I can explain it as its intrusive thoughts I don't even want to think them. 

I know what my nan said as her last words, I know what my nan's last words to me, but why am I  re-living it every day. I do think it may be a bit of post traumatic stress. 

What do you think guys? I would love your help on this one as I don’t ever think I have had anything like this before. Any tips you might have to help me deal with it, will also be very grateful. There will be times I am also going to have to ask advice from you, I hope you don’t mind

Hope you guys are well

Monday, 17 August 2015

Childhood trauma and bipolar

Does childhood trauma play a part in bipolar?

I didn’t have an easy childhood. I don’t really feel ready to share this with yet. It’s something I’m working on to be brave enough to share it. So maybe in the future I will.

I think childhood trauma does play a part in bipolar. I think our minds as children aren’t fully developed enough to be able to deal with traumatic events.  This then gets suppressed and tends to return more towards or adult life. Well, that's what happened to me.

It hit me quite hard around the age 17, what happened to me as a child. I had feelings of anger, hate, all the feeling you normally have when a traumatic event happens..  I was sexual abused, that’s all I feel comfortable with sharing with you at the moment. I really did crash at the age of 17, because of this and I crashed hard. I became even more of an impossible teenager. Why? I don’t think I knew now to deal with the feelings I was having. I was unfortunate being reminded of the events because I have brothers from one of the men that abused me. Yes, he was my step-dad.

I love my brothers dearly, but having a constant reminder isn't easy. It still isn’t now sometimes, if I am completely honest. The only thing is, is it isn’t their fault, far from it. They hate their dad, and hate it when someone says they look him. I see it sometimes though a look they give etc.

So anyway, yeah, I think it does play a part. They say it isn’t proven, but if you suppress things for so long, it causes damage right? So maybe because you suppress it as a child this may play a part in the chemical imbalance in the mind? Just a thought.

I grew up in a domestic violence, family home. Most of my childhood all I remember is being let down by my real dad, my mum and stepdad constantly arguing and being sexually abused by two people in my life.

That’s a lot for a child to deal with isn’t it?. I suppose writing this as made me see how much of a hard life I have had. I don’t know how I survived it all to be honest. Maybe the same way as I try to beat bipolar determination. I now just want to make something of myself, help others, put my past life behind me. This is why I have taken up writing. I was always too much of in mixed moods to start it before. I have written so many parts of the books, they just get ditched, when I’m depressed. Thinking that they are not getting enough. So this time I made a promise to myself. I will write and keep writing. If I get depressed I will go nowhere near my book. I’ll write until it is finished.

I'm not saying I’ll get anywhere with it, but the satisfaction that I actually finish it will be enough for me.  I always wanted to be a writer, I just didn't do well at school because I didn’t go. That has what has stopped me. I realize now that if people read my blog with not so good grammar and spelling. Then there is an editor that will edit a book.

So overall i think my past may of determined the person I was and may of contributed to the fact I am bipolar. Or Might be that I was bipolar as I child and vulnerable, that's why these things happened to me. I’m not saying it's my fault I know it’s not. I would never blame myself again. I have already been there and done that.

What do you think? Did you have a traumatic childhood and now you have mental health issues? Do you think this caused these mental health issues. Of course i don’t expect you to write your traumatic experience, but just a yes or no would be nice. If you feel it would help then please do write.

I also want people to know as a victim of sexual abuse I would be happy to talk to anyone that has suffered or is suffering. I will help in any way I can, even if it’s just listening.