Monday, 17 August 2015

Childhood trauma and bipolar

Does childhood trauma play a part in bipolar?

I didn’t have an easy childhood. I don’t really feel ready to share this with yet. It’s something I’m working on to be brave enough to share it. So maybe in the future I will.

I think childhood trauma does play a part in bipolar. I think our minds as children aren’t fully developed enough to be able to deal with traumatic events.  This then gets suppressed and tends to return more towards or adult life. Well, that's what happened to me.

It hit me quite hard around the age 17, what happened to me as a child. I had feelings of anger, hate, all the feeling you normally have when a traumatic event happens..  I was sexual abused, that’s all I feel comfortable with sharing with you at the moment. I really did crash at the age of 17, because of this and I crashed hard. I became even more of an impossible teenager. Why? I don’t think I knew now to deal with the feelings I was having. I was unfortunate being reminded of the events because I have brothers from one of the men that abused me. Yes, he was my step-dad.

I love my brothers dearly, but having a constant reminder isn't easy. It still isn’t now sometimes, if I am completely honest. The only thing is, is it isn’t their fault, far from it. They hate their dad, and hate it when someone says they look him. I see it sometimes though a look they give etc.

So anyway, yeah, I think it does play a part. They say it isn’t proven, but if you suppress things for so long, it causes damage right? So maybe because you suppress it as a child this may play a part in the chemical imbalance in the mind? Just a thought.

I grew up in a domestic violence, family home. Most of my childhood all I remember is being let down by my real dad, my mum and stepdad constantly arguing and being sexually abused by two people in my life.

That’s a lot for a child to deal with isn’t it?. I suppose writing this as made me see how much of a hard life I have had. I don’t know how I survived it all to be honest. Maybe the same way as I try to beat bipolar determination. I now just want to make something of myself, help others, put my past life behind me. This is why I have taken up writing. I was always too much of in mixed moods to start it before. I have written so many parts of the books, they just get ditched, when I’m depressed. Thinking that they are not getting enough. So this time I made a promise to myself. I will write and keep writing. If I get depressed I will go nowhere near my book. I’ll write until it is finished.

I'm not saying I’ll get anywhere with it, but the satisfaction that I actually finish it will be enough for me.  I always wanted to be a writer, I just didn't do well at school because I didn’t go. That has what has stopped me. I realize now that if people read my blog with not so good grammar and spelling. Then there is an editor that will edit a book.

So overall i think my past may of determined the person I was and may of contributed to the fact I am bipolar. Or Might be that I was bipolar as I child and vulnerable, that's why these things happened to me. I’m not saying it's my fault I know it’s not. I would never blame myself again. I have already been there and done that.

What do you think? Did you have a traumatic childhood and now you have mental health issues? Do you think this caused these mental health issues. Of course i don’t expect you to write your traumatic experience, but just a yes or no would be nice. If you feel it would help then please do write.

I also want people to know as a victim of sexual abuse I would be happy to talk to anyone that has suffered or is suffering. I will help in any way I can, even if it’s just listening.

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