Monday, 31 August 2015


I'm sorry to my readers that I haven't been here posting.. 

I have been feeling quite stressed and up and down. Some days I feel fine other days I'm all over the place.. I spent 3 days just crying, but today has been one of my good days :) 

So I think I'll cover stress today.. What a nightmare stress is eh?

I have had lots of symptoms of stress overload.. 

* Heart palpitations
* Aching body
* Headaches
* Anxiety
* Lack of appetite
* No energy
* Dizziness  (due to not eating)
* Stiffness of jaw.
* Feeling strange

Trying to deal with a relationship breakdown and looking after four children is for certain causing me stress..

Every day people suffer stress don't they? 

I speak to the older generation and they say life was never as stressful as it is now. 
So what has changed? 

What I believe 

Things were never so open as they use to be, now everything is hitting the media and news.. They make us aware of everything that goes on in this world. That's stress in its self.. Maybe this is why so many people suffer the anxiety they do? 

Things have just become so fast, you never have time for anything. Its not a chilled out place like it use to be. People are more competitive with each other, want to better than other people, have more than other people? So do these people bring the stress on themselves comparing themselves to everyone? Yeah, everyone wants to succeed in life, but we all can't. Everyone looks at succeeding in life in a different way.

Back in the grandparents' generation you would swap things that you needed, but now, oh I got to work my bum off to get that. Its all materialist in this world now. People use to just be happy with what they had and be grateful for what they had. What happened to that? Surly trying to keep up with the Jones as I call it causes stress. Unnecessary stress.. People just want more and more in this world now.. That makes the next generation what more and more? When will this stop? 

I think this way of the world has a lot to do with mental illnesses. It's just the pure stress of it. Don't you think if we didn't hear about these rapists, murders and be completely oblivious to it, we would live a less stressful life? Then comes the question of if they didn't plaster all this evil on the news, papers, etc. maybe it wouldn't make people like it? I blame the news and everything for why people are out there murdering more, raping because it's just everywhere. Its sick to say, but it's just become an everyday thing. Why? Because its in your face all the time. They are giving peoples' idea of what others have done? Why would society do that? 

What's your views on this one id love to hear it?

Sunday, 23 August 2015



As stated in my last post I believe my ex is one of these.. He follows all the traits of one. Maybe that's why it's been so hard for me to leave in the past. Ill let you know why I think it. 

We split up after six months of being together. He convinced me to stay with him a bedsit the same night we went on our first date. I didn't bother with anyone just went to work and made him my life. Everything was good we got on really well. Next came the abuse, he had just come out of a relationship and would sit there telling me how he still loved her and I was nothing compared to her etc. I would say I was leaving him and he would pack my stuff for me. 

I did eventually leave him in the end, but regretted it for some reason. I tried to get him back, but he didn't just texted abuse all the time. 

It was a year later I just heard from him out of the blue saying I miss you. Completely messed my head up. We ended up meeting up and giving another shot. This was short lived as he just vanished off the face of the earth two weeks later.

I found out I was pregnant. I went through all the abuse of it's not mine your a slag etc. Had people ringing me threatening me.. I lived a hard four months. 

I then see him on my way home from work and I got off the bus to confront him. We ended up getting back together and getting a place.. We were brilliant after this, just me and him. He would do anything for me etc. I don't know when it all changed it just did. He use to punish me for saying something he didn't like. When things didn't go his way he would leave and ignore me for however long. 

He says he did this to punish me for the wrong I did?

It drove me insane, I even shaved my hair off  once because of the stress of him. He could win me back over, he would play on my fears and insecurities and bring me down. So I ended up believing it was my fault, I am wrong. He would come back on his terms then and get whatever he wanted in the first place. 

I'm sure he is incapable of loving anyone other than himself. He always puts people down to make himself look good or feel better (never to their face of course) only mine. 

He says it's my fault he hurts me cause I allow to, if I didn't care he couldn't hurt me. So basically I shouldn't have feelings, like he doesn't.

He is a lair, he will lie to anyone to get his own way or to get out of trouble. He will never face responsibility everything is everyone else fault. 

If I am right about him being a narcissistic, he will leave soon anyway for some else, then humiliate me to say I am the crazy one.
I think he used me to mother his children. They tend to use people in life, for they want. They never love them its just all about winning. They believe life is a game.  

They tend to go for mentally strong people so is a challenge to bring them down. They go for people pleasers, so they can get anything want. If you start questioning, they punish you. They will withdraw from you, make you feel you don't even exist to them. 

Narcissism is a personality disorder, so its mental health. There is no cure, though. They can give medication to help a bit and therapy, but there is no cure. Narcissistic think there isn't anything wrong with them, that they are just smart at life. 

I would advice if you ever meet one run and run as your life depended on it. They suck all the life out of you until you don't even know who you are anymore. You just live by their unhealthy boundaries because of happens when you don't..

You walk a life of egg shells and no voice. 

I think this blog made me find my voice again and it helped me leave him. 

Have you had any experiences with a narcissistic? 

I would love to hear the stories of survival because I know I'm far from clear of him yet :(

Saturday, 22 August 2015

Single mum's

Why are we targeted so much? 

As I have stated in other posts I have been a single mum a couple of times, during my 7 year relationship. Every time I become one, I become more aware of the things that are said about us.

Facebook is a massive one for targeting us. They even go as low to say, if you can find a babysitter to have a night out on the weekend, you can find someone to look after your children while you work. 

I think in this society today we are looked at as just having kids to live on benefits and have hand outs. When I used to say I was a single mum, people looked at me funny. I think they think I have 4 children with different dads and again I just done it to get hand outs. 

I agree there are people out there that have done it and women are still doing it. Why should we be tied with the same brush though? I hate the label that people put over single mothers. They don't even know why you are single etc, they just assume things. How has society got so cruel? 

Now if they had children themselves they would know bringing up children is a full-time job in itself, even with two parents at home. When there is only one, it very hard work do they not realize this? They are more thinking about the money the single parents are receiving? 

Take me for an example. I'm now becoming a single mother because I am in an mental abusive relationship. What I should stay in that so that I don't get judged? Have people never thought maybe people stay in relationships that are harmful, because of the way society looks at us? 

I really don't know where all this came from.. Single parent use to be looked at with respect for the job they were doing. What happened to that? 

Have people really become that narrow minded? 

I am a believer in if you have your children you look after them, I understand that people will disagree with that. I disagree with parents that have babies and return to work within 3 months? I really don't get that? I think you either have to choose a career or children? Or have your career when you children go to school. Me as a mother I didn't want to miss any milestone of my children the thought of a childminder seeing everything before me really upset me. 

I did return to work when my daughter was born, but my ex was at home. I do believe in one parent working, but I believe the other should be at home with the child. Like I said you had them, not a childminder. 

That's just my views though. 

Back to single mum's why do you believe we get slated so much? 
Things in life don't always turn out the way we plan. Do you think I planned to be on my own with 4 children and broken family. Hell no. My ex didn't turn out to be the person I thought he was. I have done some research and I actually believe he is a narcissistic.  I will cover that I think in another post. 

I believe that being bipolar makes me have very strong view and sometimes I can be quite conversational, but that is just part of me. I have strong morals and I like to share them, weather people agree or not. 

Do you find that with bipolar and what are your views on single mums?

Friday, 21 August 2015

Productive day!!

I have had an alright day today. I have done the first step into the grieving processes. Even though he has hurt me so much the last 7 years I think I am actually numb to it. 

I have cleared all his stuff, put memories in a box in the attic, changed my bedroom around and my living room .I feel as though I now need to make this my home, not our home. 

I spoke to him briefly and asked what he wanted me to do with his stuff as I wanted out of my house today. His reply was "I only have £190 left, I can't really afford you to send it in a taxi. £190 pound out of nearly £800.. in two days gone. When I'm here with no money what so ever. I cant take my children anywhere or anything without money. (its raining but that's far from the point.) I sent the stuff anyway..

I was going through paperwork, that he would need. I found a letter stashed date the beginning of this  month saying he was receiving it on the day he got it. He never once told me this. He hid letter from me. What a deceitful horrible person. I will put up with a lot but deceit is just an awful trait. Its thought about, its planned. 

Do I hate him no, I just wish the best luck, He will need it with that way that he. I have put up with lies about drugs, people knocking on my door threatening me because he had drug debt. He will always deny it, but its obvious. He never does drugs when he around my children well class As, but whenever he leaves that's the reason for it. I believe now. He will just messed up for a week then expect to come home when he drugged all the money up the wall. 

I always say no but then the abuse starts and he brings me down, to control me. Threatening me with things, just being dam right spiteful. 

How I have worked out to get past this, this time?. I have call barring I have barred his number. He has had instructions to contact my mum about arrangements with my children. 

How am feeling. Relief I think. I don't have to put with this anymore, Yeah its going to take sometime to adjust to being a single mum, its going to be lonely. I'm going to miss him but when that has all gone, I never be sat here like this again, to do with him.

Here's to a new chapter in my life guys :) 

Thursday, 20 August 2015

Partner has left me AGAIN

Sorry to my readers I didn't post yesterday, or reply to the wonderful comment you left about dealing greif with the 
of my nan. 

My so called partner left again yesterday!

Did he have a reason NO.

Ill explain.

He put in for a claim for carers allowance and had a lovely little back date. I needed some of it for bills a tiny about for what he actually got paid. 

He kicked right off. Say about my gambling ( yes I do have a little problem with that, but I'm working on it) The thing is with the gambling he always sits there with me and agrees to the money I put on. As soon as he has money I'm all wrong for it.

He has brought up about how much work I do on my blog, when a week ago he was all supportive of it. 
The real reason he has left? To keep the money. He will go off and spend then expect to come back. He has left me and his children £20 to live on until Tuesday. ( nice father eh?)

Am I bothered, No not at the moment. I have been here so many times that its such old news..

He will go stay with his mother and turn all phones off. That's normally the part that bothers me, but that even running dry in my eyes now. I expect now. He does it to keep control and I see that now. Ignoring someone that has done nothing wrong is all part of control. 

I am thinking I really do need to leave this relationship. He kind of makes my illness worse. He lets me get better then leaves to make me ill again. He keeps all the control then doesn't he. 
I know I'll have bad days and it's them bad days that makes me cave into taking him back. Plus four children under 5 is very hard by yourself. 

Having said that writing this blog has made me see all the things I have got through in my life and is it such a big thing him leaving. I actually don't think it is. 

I might just be having a positive day and crash tomorrow, but today I'm thinking that he has done this so many times to me and my children. Its better he is not here. 

He told me that I make him sick and that I make him sick that much that its over. 

I am no way going to put up with that. Maybe I have for the last 7 years, but I am medicated now and quite stable in my mind. 

I just thought I would let you know what is going on and if I don't post you know the reason why. My determination is to carry on with this blog and write my book regardless of is going on in my life. This blog is a very big positive in my life and it helps keep me stable. 

My partner can be a very selfish man. I don't think I can put up with it anymore. I feel I deserve better then that . It's took me 7 years to think at it like that but, I really think I do. Maybe I am stable enough now to make the decisions I should of a long time ago.

I am finally running out of excuses of why I stay with his man. I look at my life and think how did I get here? 

I hope you are well guys :) 

Tuesday, 18 August 2015

Can I ask some advice off of my readers

I am going to ask some advice from my readers

As you know if you have read my blog, my nan passed back last year. The only problem was I had so much going on with my life at the time I had to look after myself. I unfortunately had to suppress the grief. I was carrying my twins, I couldn’t afford to get depressed or go through the stages of grief. So pretty much ignored the fact she had passed.

I was very close to my nan, I lived with her most of my life. I didn’t actually move out until I was carrying my first child at 25. 

The problem is since, I have had my twins and everything has pretty much settled down. I have obviously had more time to think. I understand the grief process, but when does it become something more guys? I’m not talking about depression. I am talking about post traumatic stress.  You see, at first, I just thought, yes I am going to think about my nan everyday, yes, I’m going to keep thinking about the last time I saw her. 

This now though, is carrying on and getting worse. I dream about the last time I saw her all the time. I keep thinking about her last words that she said to my mum. I used to look out of the window in the evenings not long after she passed. I can’t do that anymore, I actually get scared too  and don’t know why. If I can see a little bit of the sky at night from my bed, I get out and adjust the curtains. 

Like I said, I only starting to actually dealing with the fact she past about nine months ago. I feel it driving me a little insane now with the thoughts all the time. Don’t get me wrong, I love thinking of my nan everyday, but I just wish it wasn’t around the time she died all the time. I wish I could just think about good memories. All I can explain it as its intrusive thoughts I don't even want to think them. 

I know what my nan said as her last words, I know what my nan's last words to me, but why am I  re-living it every day. I do think it may be a bit of post traumatic stress. 

What do you think guys? I would love your help on this one as I don’t ever think I have had anything like this before. Any tips you might have to help me deal with it, will also be very grateful. There will be times I am also going to have to ask advice from you, I hope you don’t mind

Hope you guys are well

Monday, 17 August 2015

Childhood trauma and bipolar

Does childhood trauma play a part in bipolar?

I didn’t have an easy childhood. I don’t really feel ready to share this with yet. It’s something I’m working on to be brave enough to share it. So maybe in the future I will.

I think childhood trauma does play a part in bipolar. I think our minds as children aren’t fully developed enough to be able to deal with traumatic events.  This then gets suppressed and tends to return more towards or adult life. Well, that's what happened to me.

It hit me quite hard around the age 17, what happened to me as a child. I had feelings of anger, hate, all the feeling you normally have when a traumatic event happens..  I was sexual abused, that’s all I feel comfortable with sharing with you at the moment. I really did crash at the age of 17, because of this and I crashed hard. I became even more of an impossible teenager. Why? I don’t think I knew now to deal with the feelings I was having. I was unfortunate being reminded of the events because I have brothers from one of the men that abused me. Yes, he was my step-dad.

I love my brothers dearly, but having a constant reminder isn't easy. It still isn’t now sometimes, if I am completely honest. The only thing is, is it isn’t their fault, far from it. They hate their dad, and hate it when someone says they look him. I see it sometimes though a look they give etc.

So anyway, yeah, I think it does play a part. They say it isn’t proven, but if you suppress things for so long, it causes damage right? So maybe because you suppress it as a child this may play a part in the chemical imbalance in the mind? Just a thought.

I grew up in a domestic violence, family home. Most of my childhood all I remember is being let down by my real dad, my mum and stepdad constantly arguing and being sexually abused by two people in my life.

That’s a lot for a child to deal with isn’t it?. I suppose writing this as made me see how much of a hard life I have had. I don’t know how I survived it all to be honest. Maybe the same way as I try to beat bipolar determination. I now just want to make something of myself, help others, put my past life behind me. This is why I have taken up writing. I was always too much of in mixed moods to start it before. I have written so many parts of the books, they just get ditched, when I’m depressed. Thinking that they are not getting enough. So this time I made a promise to myself. I will write and keep writing. If I get depressed I will go nowhere near my book. I’ll write until it is finished.

I'm not saying I’ll get anywhere with it, but the satisfaction that I actually finish it will be enough for me.  I always wanted to be a writer, I just didn't do well at school because I didn’t go. That has what has stopped me. I realize now that if people read my blog with not so good grammar and spelling. Then there is an editor that will edit a book.

So overall i think my past may of determined the person I was and may of contributed to the fact I am bipolar. Or Might be that I was bipolar as I child and vulnerable, that's why these things happened to me. I’m not saying it's my fault I know it’s not. I would never blame myself again. I have already been there and done that.

What do you think? Did you have a traumatic childhood and now you have mental health issues? Do you think this caused these mental health issues. Of course i don’t expect you to write your traumatic experience, but just a yes or no would be nice. If you feel it would help then please do write.

I also want people to know as a victim of sexual abuse I would be happy to talk to anyone that has suffered or is suffering. I will help in any way I can, even if it’s just listening.

Saturday, 15 August 2015

To all readers

I have added an amazon link to my page, I love amazon. I am in the middle of writing a book and hoping to see it there soon. My daughter starts school this September and I brought her school uniform there cheaper then anywhere else, so maybe that's a thought for mummy readers.

I don't know if it's a good idea, me having a link like this on my page as I am a shopaholic. My weakness is shoes and handbag. 

Does anyone else find you shop more than other people with bipolar disorder? 

The silly thing about me is, I buy all these shoes and I never have outfits to go with them? Yes i know! I don't know why. 

My other weakness is Avon, I have a two drawers full of products that haven't been opened. I will have to have another draw for the products coming at the end of this month. ( oops) 

Share with me your weakness regarding shopping, I'd love to hear them. Even men please, as long as you aren't having a middle life crisis and out buy 90 thousand pound cars ha-ha. Only messing.

So yeah, check the amazon link out, if you like the site that is, I love the kindle books as well. 

Who do you think spends more? Men or women? I find women will go about pay out for £100 pair of shoes but when a men spend money, it's normally on hobbies. Men will spend £400 in one go on something to do with his hobby? What do you think? Who are the bigger spenders? :) 

What are your reviews on amazon?

Eating disorders and bipolar

Bipolar and eating disorder.

Is there a link well, I think there is I’ll explain why.

I had an eating disorder at the age of 14. I remember just eating a ham salad sandwich a day. I for some reason told myself, that's all I could eat. I don't know why, I even looked forward to eating it. I would only eat at 1pm every day. I wish I could tell you why, but I don’t know. Something I just had in my mind and that was it. I did this for about 6months, I went to a size 6. I was 5ft 7 and I remember I looked so skinny, because of my height. My favourite pair of trousers were red with a silver dragon at the bottom of the right leg, I brought them in the wrong size. The hanger said 10-12 but they were a 6-8. Maybe that’s, what convinced me I couldn't eat to get into these trousers.

I pretty much have had problems with eating ever since. I class myself as a binge eater. Not the eat all day and don’t stop, the don’t eat for 2-4 days, then eat loads for a whole day, when I say loads I mean loads, I can have breakfast, cooked dinner, takeaway, chocolate, crisps and then maybe order another takeaway. I have no routine with eating at all.
I don’t even think my body shows me signs of hunger anymore because I’m so use to it. Or have just learnt to ignore them.

Why do I think this is?

I think it’s because our mood fluctuates, so does our appetite. When I’m depressed I eat hardly nothing. When I am manic I just snack all day, I’m far too busy to eat when manic. So I think when we are stable, we still kind of forget to eat.  Our body is so used to going without food it doesn’t even react anymore. I look at it as I’m not going to listen to it anyway, so it doesn’t bother.
I thought going on anti-psychotics would make me put on weight, six months in and I have lost weight. I did drink quite heavily though. I think because I have given that up, I’m actually losing my baby weight and beer belly. I suppose they do give me a bit of a good appetite, but for the wrong things, chocolate I crave, really bad. I wouldn’t say they make me over eat, I just eat daily now. I went without food for a couple of days last week and I actually felt quite ill. I came over all dizzy, I was feeling really sick and it made me panic. I rang my mum, she asked” have you eaten?” I had to think about it, but I hadn’t. She said “you are hungry Sarah that’s all have some food and you will feel better” and I did, two hours later it came back I had to eat again. So yeah, I think they do make you eat better. I just watch what I eat, I crave carbs, but I try to stay away from them. I eat fruit when I feel a bit funny.  You see I didn’t even know the symptoms of being hungry because I haven’t had them in so long.

I would say I eat more regularly than I did, but not over eat, with this medication. I suppose I’m quite lucky as I said I have actually lost weight.

What snapped me out of my eating disorder at 14? My friend, she actually got so skinny she had to be taken to hospital and be put in a centre where she had to stay all week, if she didn’t eat she wasn’t aloud home at the weekend. I remember having such a hard time to start eating again. I would eat toast in the morning, but by lunch I could even handle a sandwich, I would have one bite. I made a doctor’s appointment and he explained where I haven’t eaten my stomach had shrunk. I would only be able to eat little and often until I built my stomach back up. He wanted to send me for tests, bloods have a look at my stomach lining exactly what happened to my friend but I refused. I just promised him I would eat. I remember it being quite hard, but I did it.
So I do think there is a link to eating disorders and bipolar because as stated or moods. I don’t like the thought of my body not even being bothered to tell me it’s hungry anymore. I have never thought of it that way until I was completely stable. Which was only 4 months ago. So now I am eating regularly to try to remind my body to tell me when it’s hungry now. I have stopped drinking so much tea and coffee as that suppresses hunger. I feel I’m doing pretty well. I didn’t really think I have an eating disorder until my cpn said, I did going on my eating patterns.

What would I say to someone suffering an eating disorder?

I wouldn’t go into all the stuff it can do to you, people know what not eating does too, it will eventually shut down all your organs. I have been there though and it’s a hard thing to beat. I didn’t even know why I was doing it, so that made it even harder, I couldn’t find the reason and try to look at it a different way, to rectify it. It was until I had a scare that helped me sort my eating disorder out at 14. Like I said, they still class me as having one but not as bad as when I was 14.

I would just say, that even eating a little bit a day, and maybe pushing yourself to eat a mouthful more each time. Even if that's only once daily. That is so much better than not eating at all. Some people just can’t beat it without medical help like my friend. If you are out there and think that, you should seek medical help. I understand it is a scary thing to do, But can promise you no-one judges you in the health professional. I think that was my scare, that they were just going to shout and me and tell me not to be silly and just eat. But they don’t. I also went through a stage of making myself sick after eating. It got so bad that my body just threw up anything I ate, Again, I had to start small and work up to keep the food down.

It is consent battle when you have an eating disorder, you're battling with yourself over something your body needs. The way I looked at, in the end you are going to have to eat, or stop making yourself sick. so why not start today. Even if you just do one day, fail you try again eventually you will get there. I did.

Have you ever had an eating disorder, I’d love to hear some success stories, I love success stories. If you are suffering from an eating disorder and would just like to chat my email address or google hang out are there. I am always happy to listen and offer advice if needed.

Anyone is free to add me on hangout, I will reply to any that message

Hope you are all well, guys

Friday, 14 August 2015

postnatal depression

Postnatal depression

Seeing as this am covering depression, I thought I would cover this one as well. I feel many bipolar sufferers will get this after childbirth. I think it’s to do with the hormones. It messes our chemical balances even more.  I know any new mum can suffer, but i think we are more likely to develop it.

As explained in my past posts, I had postnatal depression after all three of my pregnancies. My first was my worst. Nobody recognized it, not even me.

Why I think nobody recognized it?

It’s your first baby, now come on, that was a massive shock to the system. I breastfed all of my children, but Lilly I breastfed, what I believe now, for way too long. She fed every hour and half for 5 months, night and day. She wouldn’t take a bottle, not even expressed milk until four months. I was so tired for five months. To be honest, I can’t even really remember the five months. Only the way I felt.

So you have sleepless nights, of course you're going to be acting differently. Of course you aren’t going to be able to take in very much information, when people talk to you. Of course you’re going to have a lot of worry, you’re a new mum. But when does this become a problem?

For me, my baby blue’s never went. About three to seven days after birth you get what is called baby blue’s you cry and cry for nothing, or over the silliest things. Not every woman get’s this, but it is around 70%. I cried for months after all of my pregnancies, I think I cried at least once every day for couple months. After I had Lilly, it was for about 8 months, until my family said I need to go seek help.

I didn't even sleep when Lilly slept, I used to lay awake thinking I would die in my sleep and who was going to look after her. I thought she might stop breathing and I wouldn’t know to help her. I wouldn’t leave the house in case something happened to me, who was going to look after precious things that was now my responsibility to look after and care. That’s one big responsibility as I learnt when she was born.  I became obsessed with dying, I would think about it 30 times a day. I was in a really bad place. I would have Lilly on me constantly I wouldn’t let her go, unless she was sleeping, but I was always next to her.  I wouldn't let anyone have her.  She never actually went with anyone until she was a year old.

Something scared me around the four month mark. I was sitting on the end of my bed trying to stay awake, feeding Lilly. Jamie (My partner) was snoring,  I just remember looking at him asleep and feeling so much hate. The image of me putting a pillow over his head and killing him ran through my mind. I actually sat there and thought I could do it, I actually wanted to do it.  I remember thinking to myself, this is why people commit murder then.

I went to the doctors because into all this, they said it was just anxiety and told me to seek counselling. No medication just counselling.

I think people don’t recognize postnatal depression so quickly after you have your first child, because nobody knows what’s just taking to being a new mother and when they have postnatal depression. Your life changes so dramatically so of course you are too.

I hated Jamie for months, I resented everything he was doing, for me and Lilly, I hated being around him,  I honestly just had pure hate for him.
It wasn’t until Lilly was 8months, I got diagnosed postnatal depression, I was just a pure mess by then. Drinking most nights anything to make me feel better. I just felt that I didn’t know anything about myself anymore, I actually returned to work when Lilly was 6 months trying to shift the feelings. Nothing worked.

They prescribed me anti depressants, because this was before I knew I was bipolar.  I found myself again within 6 weeks, but after that went manic and ended up conceiving my son Logan, I recognized it quicker with Logan around three months, but I didn’t have it anywhere near as bad as I did I Lilly. I was just a little depressed. The same with my twins, I got depressed, but this time I was thinking more about bipolar and that’s when I got diagnosed.

Postnatal depression is awful. You feel like you should be happy, you just been given this great gift. You feel guilty because you don’t, this makes it worse. You get scared over everything, that makes you go stir crazy, I would watch anything to do with death at all. I stopped watching all the soaps because of it.

What would I say to anyone that thinks they have it?

If you think you have it, you most probably have. It’s not a bad thing, but it needs to be treated. Mine just got worse and worse because it was left untreated. I felt so alone.

I wouldn’t talk to people in case they judged me as a parent, because of how I was feeling. It is not true, you are not a bad mum because you got a little depressed after childbirth. I would say you would be a great mum by going and getting the help, so you can have the strength to have all the fun you can with your new bundle of joy. Instead of feeling drained and not good enough. I always thought I was a rubbish mother, in them 8 months, but I wasn't, I just wasn't very well.

I hate the thought of someone sat there now holding their baby and just crying and not knowing why.. That’s why I did this post, I have experienced this first hand. As I said in my post about depression, it’s a horrible illness, but I think postnatal depression takes it one step further because you are responsible for something and you feel you're failing. When you most certainly are not. You put all your energy into this little bundle of joy and have all the excess worrying.

It doesn't need to be that way though. Here are the signs of postnatal depression, if anyone is reading this that thinks someone, or you might have it please seek some help. You will feel so much better when you do, This kind of illness rarely gets better on it's own in time, because that’s what I thought.

How you may feel

Sadness and low
Tearful for no apparent reason
Hopeless about the future
Unable to cope
Irritable and angry
Hostile or indifferent to your husband or partner
Hostile or indifferent to your baby.

You may find that you

Lose concentration
Have disturbed sleep
Find it hard to sleep – even when you have the opportunity
Have a reduced appetite
Lack interest in sex
Have thoughts about death.

So please if you feel any of these symptoms two weeks after birth, seek some medical advice, you can even talk to your health visitor.

Of course the big one there is you're tired , you are going to be tired, If you find that your tired and can’t sleep, that when you need to seek some help.

Thursday, 13 August 2015

The awful word depression


I feel like I need to cover this as I haven’t yet other than my last post, a poem.

What does depression feel like for me?

I get more depressed the winter, that is a horrible time of year for me. It shouldn’t be it’s Christmas, lol. I think it’s to do with the daylight saving. It gets too dark early and light too late. This really affects my moods. Anyone with S.A.D. Will relate to this. My depressive episodes are awful. I can only but try to explain how it feels.

You feel like you are nothing, life isn’t even worth living. Most of the time there is no reason for you to feel like this, you don’t even know why you feel like it. I don’t eat, I sleep far too much, I can’t be bothered to do anything. Everything just seems like a chore. I just want to lock myself in a room and be alone.

I say it’s wallowing in self pity for no particular reason.

Why? You normally have a reason to be depressed right? Grief, job loss, relationship  breakdown, etc. With bipolar you don’t even have to have a reason. Your life could be going fantastic, no problems at all, then bang. It hits you like a ton of bricks has fallen on you. This is what I find people mistake with bipolar and depression episodes. The fact we don’t have a reason to be depressed. We don’t even know why ourselves half the time.

I struggle with this part of the illness, and I’m sorry, but there isn’t one thing positive I can say about it. By now you should realize from my posts, I like to find the positive in everything, but this one beats me. I am defeated regarding depression.

Depression doesn’t come on it's own I find. My anxiety rockets when I get depressed. I overthink things and become my own worst enemy. I know I shouldn’t, but tell my mind that lol.. When I’m depressed I’m scared of everything. I turn into a hypochondriac, every ache or pain, that’s it I’m looking on the internet. Looking at worst case scenarios believing it’s happening to me, or I have it. It’s quite funny writing that, I can laugh at myself lol. When happens, though it’s not a laughing matter.  This causes me so much stress it unreal, but it’s me doing it to my bloody self lol.

Depression totally changes the way you think, take that for example, if I was depressed now I wouldn’t be laughing about it.

Yes, I have coping strategies, but they do go out of the window a lot when I’m depressed. Exercise when you're depressed, they say? I can’t even be bothered to wash my hair, let alone exercise lol. I am happy if I achieve that when I’m depressed.  I’d probably be ecstatic if I managed exercise probably send me manic lol.

God, I bloody hate depression, maybe that’s why I put off about writing about it.  It’s one thing I’m scared of now I’m on medication and well quite stable. I don’t want to ever go back to that. I have at least one depressive episode in a year, one manic, and maybe one mixed episode. My depression lasts the longest out of the three, anything from a month - six months. That's probably why I struggle with it so much, as it’s the longest episode for me and I can’t seem to get myself out of it.

I also find my moods are unbearable, when I suffer depression. I’m snappy, uptight, constantly stressed, impatient, etc. I know I’m not very nice to live with when I’m depressed. I won’t be hard on myself about that though. If you have ever suffered depression you will know how crap you feel inside, so it’s going to show on the outside right?

Another thing I can’t handle is the crying, people ask why you are crying and you don’t even know.. I can cry for hours a day, but can’t tell anyone why. I think depression is just one big mind fuck. (Excuse my french) but it's the only way I can describe it. I actually feel so much anger and hate towards it. Lol.

I will leave on a positive note though, seeing as I wrote about a negative thing. I am on medication this year for Christmas, I am hoping it will be my first year, I don’t have to deal with this horrible (yes, I will call it hateful because it is) Illness, in such a long time.

I'll keep you posted on that one as to be honest it isn’t that far away.

If you have anything positive to say, to get yourself through it (I doubt it) but I’d love to hear it. I hate the fact that this one beats me.