Wednesday, 22 July 2015

Symptoms and behavior

When you think you have symptoms of bipolar and finding out.

So where does this all start and where do you even start believing you may bipolar? Is it because your behavior is different than everyone else. Is it that you have had a month/ years of depression and don't understand why you get it? You know your manic behavior is not the same as just being in a good mood?  Or is it just you have the feeling something is not right?

I believe everyone finds out they have bipolar in a different way, bipolar affects people in all different ways, With different symptoms. Wouldn't it be so easy if there was just one form of bipolar that had the same symptoms for everyone? Just one drug that helps all? Instead, we have all these different medications and four types of bipolar..Myself, I don’t understand that, four types of bipolar, Isn’t bipolar just on different scales and different symptoms. Which I may add the symptoms may get worse, Or better over time. 

So have explained that to you all,  I will share with you my experiences of thinking I was bipolar and how I found out I was bipolar. 

It all began when I was 14, Someone had passed that I was close to. Strangely, he was a manic depressive, which bipolar was referred to back then. Bipolar resulted in him taking his life, as unfortunately a percentage of bipolar people will.I related so well to him, He was so much like me, But only when he was abusing substances. This I was unaware of at the time. Substance abuse is very common in people with bipolar. I know this first hand, but we will come to that later in the blog.

One night after this person had passed. I awoke suddenly in the night with my heart beating, gasping for air. I didn't know what the hell was going on with me. Of course now I have come to learn this is the famous panic attack that many of us suffer.You don't have to be bipolar to experience these anyone can suffer anxiety. That was the start of my bipolar journey, A very long road for me suffering, which only got worse as time went on.. 

Along that road came what I would refer to as strange moods. I have been either always at home, refusing to go out, or always out, refusing to go home. My schooling was failing, I was either there for a month every day, then the switch, I was never there.  I had the truancy officer even trying to come to take me to school after my mum tried everything. Of course it was just called me, being be a typical teenage rebellion. One evening, my mum came in my room and I was just sitting on my floor rocking and crying. I couldn't tell her what for, I didn't even know what for. I didn't want to know anyone or anything, a feeling of complete emptiness. A big dark black cloud in my mind is how I can describe it. That's the only way I can describe that awful feeling. That was the first time anything was going to be acted upon.

My mum took me to the doctors, they put it down to depression and anxiety,. My other odd behavior was still put down to a typical teenager, which of course at that age you wouldn’t  question, nobody does.I was put on anti depressants which as everyone that suffers bipolar will know. That only triggers a manic episode. I remember being on this medication for 6 weeks I was great. The anxiety had disappeared. The black cloud had lifted. I even think I returned back to school as normal. 
The not sleeping started shortly after that. I was up all night playing PlayStation, grand theft auto. I was obsessed by it, 15 hours of gaming a day, This wasn't me, I wasn't really a gamer. I felt the strong urge to complete this game.  I gave up after three weeks, I never played it again. No, I never completed itI think I went through  loads of things like this I was going to be a singer, I would just sing all day for weeks then totally just give up again. I loved the way my anti depressants made me feel. Everyone else around me got concerned again. I said I felt better and just stopped taking them. Back came the depression, was just a cycle.

I started smoking cannabis everyday all day after this. It seemed to keep me level headed. I neglected going school again, because of the cannabis, or it even smoke it in school. I did my final exams stoned. So I will  apologize about my grammar and spelling. I am not a writer, I left school with very low grades. I can't’ really explain why I turned to cannabis peers, I suppose, it did make me more popular.. 

SO I have left school as I swore I was never going back there. I hated school. It was time to find a job. I have had so many jobs I can't even remember what my first one was.. How bad does that sound?. This again was due to bipolar, so they say. I was either in work doing all the hours under the sun, Or signed off with depression. Employers don't like me, employers don't like me after getting to know me. I was not a very likeable person.

My anger issues were still there. My agitation was there and by now I honestly was just too much. I really didn't care what I said to people.I was good at my jobs, but I just couldn't stick to them. On a health professional side of things I was diagnosed with acute anxiety and s.a.d (seasonal affective disorder) I kept just getting prescribed anti depressants then coming off them when I was manic and feeling better. Which I believe most of us have got wrong diagnoses as well.

I will leave it at that for today, but there is far much more to my story as there is for everyone with bipolar I think.I believe a lot of us are left undiagnosed for so long. Which does maybe change the way we turn out.I believe when you have lived with bipolar for so long and it has been untreated. You don't know what is bipolar and what parts of bipolar has now become your personality. Have you ever thought that? 

I think now it is diagnosed, I have to find a whole new person of what is my bipolar and what's me? I do hope that comes with time, but I try to look at it as positive as I can.  I'm just finding a person that I should of been and it's exciting :) 
Thanks for reading guys 

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