Wednesday, 29 July 2015

Having bad day today!

Don't my feel normal self today.

I am feeling bit low today, I cant figure out why, I just do.

You see a few days ago I said I felt stable, then bang feeling low again.. I wish these moods would just sort out.. I just want to live a normal bloody life.

I cant even be bothered to write to be honest, I'm doing to see if it helps. Also to show you how moods change. I do feel like crying and nothing has happened to even make me want to cry. Its so confusing this illness.

It makes me think, what the hell has happened to mind in two days to change like it has? 

The sun is shining, my children are happy playing in the garden, everything if fine.. 
So why? What has triggered me to feel low now? I know if I just ignore it and try to pull myself out it will just turn into a full blown episode, so I have to let it run its course..

I can easily sit there and go "For god sake Sarah pull yourself out of it" Put on on the smiles and laughter, but that will bite me in the ass. I don't think with bipolar you should suppress the feelings, else they will get worse.

I think its like that with every mental illness, you ignore it eventually it will come threw so much that you can't. Then you need more medication and therapy, in the long run.

I know we get down days, but with bipolar you never know if it's a start of something else..

I have been craving chocolate and I stated the other day that I felt strange, I was achy and I had a head ache.. The past couple of days, I have had pains that are unexplained. 

So I need to watch myself for next 5 days ( The five day rule) 

What am I going to try to do to avoid a depressive episode?

Well I have phoned the doctor and asked for my 300 mg slow release tablets, which will be ready tomorrow.. 

I am going to have a nice chilled night tonight with my partner, not working on my blog :)

I'm doing to get up in the morning do my make up and hair take my kids out for day. I have been recovering from my holiday so we haven't done much. 

Maybe that why I'm feeling a bit low I been stuck in for a week.

I got annoyed with my hair extensions and look them all out.. so I'm not feeling great about that either..( I hate my hair short)
You see I never think about after effects of things, I just get annoyed and act instantly then regret it lol..

You see what I mean about mind management, I will try anything before I result in asking for more medication, with an exception of today. I was meant to up my tablets two weeks ago but as explained I was giving the wrong one's.. 

I like to think I can help myself through this as well,  just for a little bit of control over myself. I hate to think that medication has complete control over controlling this illness. 
I believe you have to always help yourself as well.. 

That's why bipolar is a battle.. You consistently battling feelings, behaviors, etc. When your are feeling a bit low, you will battle yourself not get into a episode... 
That is hard work, but I think every mental is like that. You battle against the illness you have.

I try not to battle as stated I try to just let it run it course. Sometimes I can just be low for couple days and I have just seemed to snap out of it.  But even doing things to try to stop the depression going further is battling it.. 

It tiring and draining, when you feel like this. It give you headaches just because of the pressure you feel that you don't want to an episode, You tell yourself you have stop this before it turns into one.. 

The depression side is the one I can't handle, I don't feel strong enough to get out of it once I'm in it. They say that the mixed episodes are the worse but I handle them better than depression. With mixed episodes at least I feel high sometimes.. with depression it just dark and lonely.. 

I wont contact anyone when depressed, I will when in mixed episodes because the high.. I think the depression get worse when you don't talk to anyone.. so for me the depression rules the worst side of bipolar.. 

I hate the depression episodes so I'll work harder to avoid them  then any other episode.

Hopefully I'll wake up feeling a bit better tomorrow, a good sign is that I haven't had really bad anxiety. I had a little last night and controlled it. It made an appearance though, so I have to take that on board :( 

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