Saturday, 25 July 2015

Self harm

My views on self harm..

Well, I used to self harm before I had my children.. I have had a couple of breakdowns that led me to do it twice since my children, but I was suffering a significant amount of stress...

How can I explain what went through my mind that made me resort to that, oh this is a difficult one..

Ok, so I only use to self harm when I was in depressive episodes, they are very dark for me.. Nothing in this world seems to matter other than my children (as explained they are my reason to carry on)  as explained this happened more before my children so no nothing mattered... I think when you suffer depression for so long (mine can be up to six months, goes for a month back again) you just want it to stop and you don't know how to, or why you're depressed. You keep thinking its OK ill wake up and it will be gone soon and ill be my normal self.. I think you lose all track of time when you're depressed.. You just do your daily routine as a robot because you have to do them things.. As time goes on even them things are hard to do.. Like go to work, shopping, leaving the house act.. But what comes after that?

I believe yes its self harm...

I think I use to think maybe I could release all this depression by cutting myself.. It came from a lot of anger with myself of not feeling strong enough, to pull myself out of how I was feeling... I did it in anger at myself pure hate for myself... I didn't want to die, I just want to pull myself together and stop feeling as bad as I did.. I didn't talk about it, I just use to wear long sleeves and trousers to cover my legs and arms.. I felt it was embarrassing to lose that much self control to do something like that to yourself.. I used to pull my hair and hurt myself in a pure temper at myself.. I was my own worst enemy..

I have now realized it's not weakness, it is that quote its a sign you been strong for too long.. That's not weak, that's just breaking point and everyone has a breaking point..

I got found out about my harming, I did it when I was drunk and didn't care who seen them take hospital and I have seen a psychiatrist but still they put it down to depression.. I'll be honest, I didn't even know what bipolar was until the story line of Stacey in Eastenders came out about 5 years ago..

What would I say to self harmers?

I would say I know how hard it is to stop and that you shouldn't feel embarrassed.. I don't think most self harmers want to die, they just need help or a release..

My message would be... You have been strong for so long, now let someone help... There is nothing wrong in asking for help or being ashamed of it.. Everyone in this world has to ask for help at some point in their life, regardless of what it's for.. So stop trying to be so strong and give yourself a break and let someone else take some of that darkness from you..

I would like to know what you think about Lacey turners (Stacey Branning) in Eastenders acting on bipolar.. I know she has been acting a bit off at the moment and I believe another episode is coming..

Do you think she does well in interpreting a bipolar person?

Thanks guys :) 

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