Saturday, 8 August 2015

who are you?

Who are you?

Ever asked this question? Do you know?

I think it’s very important to work out who you are when you suffer bipolar. Not always as easy as it seem eh? Of course it’s important for anyone to work out who they are, but I think it helps more with bipolar if you know.

What I found very hard, is how many people you can be. It’s hard to find who, is really you!

I been working on this the last 6 months and I can finally say i’m happy with who I am. Yeah depression kicks in some days and I feel like I am nothing, but when I’m stable, I think I have finally worked out who I am.

This has took until now, I am 30. I think finding out I was bipolar, helped me realize, what is me and what’s not me.

When you learn your moods a bit more, you learn quickly. Before I found out I was bipolar, I didn’t have a clue to who I was. I was just a lost person, living day to day life feeling like I didn’t belong anywhere.

No one understood me, that’s a very lonely place. I felt by myself, I felt isolated.  I can even go as far to say, I felt trapped in a world where I honestly felt I didn’t belong.

How I found inner peace with myself..

  • I accepted who I was. I am bipolar. I don’t have bipolar, I am bipolar. Bipolar doesn’t have me.

  • I learn’t my moods, too know that they are just little parts of my illness that passes, I completely disregarded them, they are not me.

  • When I’m depressed, That’s not me either, that’s my illness acting up. I’m not a person to sit and wallow in my own self pity.

  • A manic is a little bit of my personality because I am generally a bubbly person. Just when I’m manic it tends to take it to another extreme.

  • I learnt everything I could about my illness, so I could disregard that from the actual me.

I am everything else other than these things .

What have I found I need to work on now about myself.

  • My confidence, I always have confidence issues, but only with myself, not the way I act. I’ll publicly speak, sing etc. I just haven’t got a lot of self worth. I believe this comes from my childhood trauma.

  • I have to learn to be confident enough to make my own decisions, I have to have consent reassurance with every big decisions I make. I believe that’s because I have made so many bad ones, because of my illness. I don’t trust myself anymore. I’m very indecisive.

  • I have to stop being so hard on myself for the things I have done. The way I perceive things sometimes, i’m too hard on myself. I have to learn that I aim really high and i’m not always going to achieve things that highly. I sometimes expect too much of myself.

I don’t think they are big things that I need to work on, they are not negative things either..

At first I thought finding out I was bipolar was the worst thing that happened to me, everything seemed to go wrong after I found out. Its was a big life change.

Six months into it, I can say, I wish I found out so much earlier. I battled for way too long on my own. I actually feel so much better within myself, the medication helps so much, when they finally got it right.

I have been quite lucky though, I know of people that has had to go through a major amount of medication to find the right one. Luckily the first medication I was put on there was a big improvement in me.

Everyone said that I was “classed normal” in my pregnancies but I was never this stable as I am now. I can’t even remember the last time I felt this stable. It’s been a long time.

I had a couple blips in the week, but I realized and got better in a couple days. I understand I might not feel like this forever and may have many relapses but I’m just enjoying this for the moment :)

I’m not actually scared of the medication and what it’s doing me anymore. I feel “classed normal” and I’d rather feel like this then go back to life I was living.

I also think this blog is helping me as well as other people. I haven’t really ever used the technique of writing, to help with things.

For once I actually know myself and feel like I'm living, not just existing.. This medication has helped me sort things in my mind instead of it being a whole mess in there : ). The last couple weeks other than two days I think I am thinking more rational about things, this reduces anxiety.

So the point in this post is to remind you, that you have to know yourself, that’s half the battle. If you don’t know yourself you don’t even know what you're battling to get back to or who to.

Maybe my ways of working out who I was, may help people that need to find themselves.

Can I remind you, if you enjoy my blog there are share buttons. Someone else might enjoy them or find them helpful. So please share if you feel my blog is worth sharing.

Keep well guys and thank you

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